Quarantine Diaries Entry 2:

Inside the mind of a COVID-19 era college graduate.

Age: 22 | Gender: Male

Occupation: In transition

Location: Los Angeles, CA

Quarantine Status: Living at home, savoring California and forging next steps.

State of Calmness: Sometimes, I’m a peaceful water lily. I’m healthy, loved, and building beautiful things. Other times, I’m traversing whitewater.

Reaction to local/state/federal response: Numbness. News, social media, and even dinner table discussions are all so negative. Maybe negativity is what we mean by “the new normal?”

Day 28 – April 12, 2019

On Habits

I’ve been reading Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg lately. He assigned it as reading for our class. To be honest, it’s a marvelous book. It dissects habits in a way I can digest and discuss.

It’s greatest aspect is its focus on making all this theory about self-help real. He constantly urges people to take action. He believes that learning is best done by doing.

I haven’t changed any habits yet, but I see the world differently now. I understand the triggers of the world. Hunger, fatigue, loneliness, a messy kitchen, a blinking notification, a person calling you, a green light and more. Now that I think about it, our road systems are designed so predictably that a driver may enter cognitive “auto-pilot” when they drive around the city. Crazy. It’s behavior design.

Anyway, I feel inspired and motivated to change. These aren’t big changes though. These are teeny, tiny changes. For instance, I now place my portable electronics downstairs at 10 pm after a notification prompts me to do so. As much as I tried to optimize my mobile screens for less distraction, I simply kept checking them too often. It was a big waste of time that interfered with my healthy sleeping habits. To sleep better, I placed my electronics downstairs. I don’t have to expend any willpower resisting them anymore.

Day 32 – April 16, 2019

Behavior Design in Nature

Nature designs behavior too. I was eating fruit during behavior design class today. As I scooped blueberries, mangoes and strawberries into my mouth I thought “wow, fruits are just blobs of sugar, juice and carbs. They may have health benefits but not many.”

That got me thinking, what is the purpose of fruit?

Well, fruits are not fruit for fruit’s sake. They are extensions of a plant. In fact, they tend to carry the seeds of a plant. All living creatures exist to procreate and plants are no exception. In the case of fruit-bearing plants, they are engaging in behavior design. The aspiration for plants is to spread seeds as far and wide as possible for the sake of procreation. One of the best ways to do that is to leverage animals. Animals can physically move farther than plants. Therefore, plants want animals to carry their seeds far. They don’t want to (nor can they) force the animals to spread the seeds though. Therefore, they incentivize animals to spread seeds by leveraging one of the most powerful substance-induced celebrations known in the animal world — sugar. Whenever an animal eats a seed, sugar is released into their system which causes them to eat more seeds. And that is how fruits have changed animal behavior.

Animals eat a substance they find delicious, dart off into the wild and unknowingly spread a plants’ seeds. The plant then elegantly achieves its evolutionary purpose — to procreate.

Day 49 – May 3, 2020

The Place that Never Was

I dreamt of attending UCLA. In high school, I remember paying $15 for parking and emerging from the bowels car park dazzled by green, yellow and blue. UCLA was gorgeous. Grinnign students walked around in hoodies and flip flops. Building brick facades sparkled. The grass was covered in youth laughing and chatting. The campus was alive. It felt like home. I wanted to go there so badly. I thought it was the place for me.

I was waitlisted though so I chose to attend UC Berkeley. It turns out all those YouTube vlogs I watched about UCLA did little to get me in.

Today, I returned to that school for the first time in 4 years. It felt different this time. It felt smaller, a little less glitzy and a little more hollow. Very few students walked around. In fact, families seemed to take over the campus. My dad and I walked all over and reflected on what college is all about. We admired the buildings, poked fun at some sculptures then plopped down on a shady plot of grass to read.

I felt at peace in that sculpture garden. The wind gently tickled my face. Bronze figures glistened, dazzling nearby lawn-goers. I was finally outside. I could think outside. Energy pulsed through me outside. Life was different out here. I’ve forgotten that.

We then drove up to Topanga Canyon for a hike. It was a wonderful little surprise. We hiked, dreamt beach houses in Brazil and took some photos. The sunset was gorgeous. You could see all of LA — a city full of dreams.

Wow, what a day.

Manufactured Desires

What do I want out of life? I’ve been thinking about that a lot this past year. The answers seem clearer when less things crowd my life. When you rip away events, material goods, jobs, money and even parks, it turns out that I never cared. Ambivalence fills me at the thought of $70 vodka, a fast black car, a beach house, lavish parties and fragrant shampoos.

It all seems so useless now. There’s no reason to care. Why should we?

That made me think…if I don’t care now, why would I care when quarantine is lifted?

What do I really care about in life?

Friends, family, experiences, creating things, exploring the world, basic food and shelter, art, thoughts, ideas….

Shiny black cars weren’t on the list. They didn’t make the cut.

It seems that so many of these “desires” are manufactured. We don’t actually care about them but some powerful forces drive us to care enough to purchase them. Sometimes, they drive us to care enough so that we adopt these material objects as part of our identity.

Ads, social pressure, sexy design, brands that ooze clout, the appearance of abundance, a desire to be desired, a need to fit in….

Maybe I’ll become a hermit

Maybe I’ll live in a tiny hollywood shack. I’ll call it “the it-house.”

Day 56 – May 10, 2020

Love Ballad to the Urban

Trees of concrete

Vines of steel

Rise into the heavens

Mighty metal thread

Boxes of buttons and knobs

Rise us into the heavens

We play in the sky

We work among the clouds

We gaze below

A sprawling metropolis smiles

Thousands of lights blink

Millions of people dance

Rolling Symphony

You need to travel to another district in town. It’s time to pick up that Japanese toy you’ve always dreamed of. You might be 23, but you still play with Japanese toys. You’ve been playing with them since childhood. In fact, your friends from youth were Japanese. Their parents worked in the US on a Visa.

You shield your apartment from the blazing glares of neighboring buildings, tuck in a crisp shirt and slip on those Saint Laurent Chelsea boots. Tom Ford shades cover your face.

Your vanity is on. You’re now protected from the jungle. Let’s go.

You step into the hallway. The Hollywood big-shot producers from nextdoor are just returning from a Sunday brunch. They’re dressed in all black as per usual. A flashy smile and wave is all you need to exchange for their neighborly warmth.

You step into the elevator and press “G.”

It’s a long-way down.

40 floors to be exact.

You descend swiftly. As you enter the lobby, you wave to the doorman. Doormen really see a lot. Especially this one….Henry. He knows all of your secrets. He could end you if he really wanted to. Like all good doormen, he doesn’t. Henry silently gaurds the chaos that ensues above the marble lobby walls.

You step outside. It’s humid and warm but tolerable. A wave of pedestrians sweep you uptown. They stare ahead unblinkingly. For now, it’s in your best interest to ride this human tide. They peel off one by one as the street numbers rise. Someone always replaces one of the deserters though. It’s a self-generating organism. This city is full of self-generating organisms. After 2 blocks, you see the sign you’ve been waiting for — “metro.” Perfect. You peel away from the human wave and turn towards the gaping underground hole.

Slowly, twisted green metal gives way to bleached tiles and fluorescent lights. You’re below the streets now. Welcome to the underworld. The cold, stainless steel ticket gates witness thousands enter and exit. Enter and exit. It’s a monotonous symphony. A bland complexity. A one-dimensional duality. The one thing that it knows is everything and everyone. It is the doorman of the city, a sorting hat of sorts. It decides where you go on Sunday, Tuesday and Labor Day. Today, it sorts me into Japan Town — just 4 stops away.

Shiny advertisements for lotions, potions and gadgets stare at me. Pale women share their beauty secret. Blue-eyed men share their favorite alcohol. We all seem to be sharing something these days.

Your feet pause at a bright yellow line. It’s THE line. Never cross THE line. THE line is one of the few boundaries universally respected in this city. This line is sacred. I stare at THE line until I get blasted with hot air and screeching metal. The train has arrived, as gracefully as ever. It grinds to a halt and reveals it’s shiny metallic innards. You step into the spaceship and glance around.

A man sings in the center of the car. Nobody seems to be interested though. A woman is putting on lipstick just to your left. Perhaps she’s onto something. Perhaps the entrance of a train is the perfect place to try on that new shade. LP0345 from the recently opened Nordstrom uptown.

“You go girl.”

You look past the standing train goers and lock-eyes with the one empty seat. It’s next to an elderly Chinese woman. It’s yours.

You stroll to the seat to become acquainted with its surface — slippery, harsh and perfectly suitable. The Chinese woman didn’t seem to notice you.

Now you have a front row seat to behold a human spectacle. The man singing in the middle of the car leads the orchestra. Up and down, up and down. The woman putting on lipstick is on the flute. The Jewish couple sitting down are on the violin. You’re the spectator. Smiling as the train lurches forward yet again.

Day 60 – May 14, 2020

Beware, this Bleach induces Existential Thoughts

As I cleaned the bathroom today, I was thinking a lot about my future. For one, I don’t know where I am headed as of now, which is both exciting and terrifying. I’m flexible enough to move into something imaginatively wonderful, yet I feel no safety net.

In fact, one of my biggest fears in college was about what happens when the safety net is removed. I would sit on my bed, with blurred eyes and muffled breath thinking about life as a giant abyss. College suspended me over the abyss. Berkeley was the safety net. I could glance at the abyss below between gaps in the rope. I would look down and see nothing but darkness. That terrified me. I imagined graduating would be like plummeting. The only hope was to do more school or join some program.

The abyss into the center of the earth turned into a dimly lit tunnel leading through a beautiful mountain. I have a vague idea about where I am going but the twists and turns will be a surprise. Fear is gone. Negative thoughts are gone. It’s time to go onto the next phase of the wonderful life story I am crafting.

Another thought that popped into my mind was about professions. To some degree, our professions are a conscious choice to join a community. Lawyers at a law firm are spending time with fellow lawyers. Doctors at a hospital are spending time with other medical professionals. We are all choosing to join a community through our profession. It may just be for 40 hours per week but that’s a substantial amount of time over the course of our lives.

What kind of community will I join? I think I have a hint but only time will tell. Also, what kind of community could I create?

As I bent down to scrub another part of the toilet, more thoughts flooded my mind. Earlier, I was taking down photos of old housemates from 3 years ago. We seemed so careless. Behind my laughter and grin was an immense fear. I was afraid of who I would discover myself to be. Sophomore year, I moved into this house and everything changed. I first discovered that I was simply the mold of a person that I thought I should be. I moved into this house with a specific image of myself. My original housemates were friends with a projection of this image. This projection was fake. They were friends with another David. He’s dead now. The people who originally lived here never got to see him die. I know that this David would not have stayed in this house as long as he did. This David would have left a long-time ago. This David understands himself now. With that understanding comes a lower tolerance for bullshit. This David doesn’t settle for less.

Day 70 – May 24, 2020

The Day I Forgot Society

I forgot society today. I spent some time in the South Bay with my old high school friends. We shared a marvelous day. I was pounding down a road while blasting the radio and feeling good. I passed by a lot of car dealerships on the 101. Crowds of shiny Mercedes rested behind thick walls of glass. Billboards along the highway advertise tech products. Corporate headquarters loom along the side of the road. I found it all strange. All of these large, shiny things are simply existing. They are just large shiny things. They aren’t magic, they aren’t meaning and they aren’t anything special. They simply exist. We work so hard to achieve these things yet it doesn’t matter. It all doesn’t matter. I forgot what it meant to live in a society.

Earlier in the day, I woke up and said goodbye to my housemates. I then picked up some coffee and drove down to San Jose. The drive was as bland as I remember. Billboards, concrete and strip malls.

I ate some Cha Cha sushi when I arrived. It tasted worse than I recall, yet it was oddly comforting. We then hopped into a convertible and drove down Highway 1. It was a beautiful day. Warm, sunny and forgiving. We walked the beach, sipped on drinks and giggled. All I wanted to do was dance with my friends. They didn’t oblige. I layed in the sand and stared at the sun. It blazed with passion in the sky — unaware of our struggles.

The day was a dream. It was bizarre to hang out with my childhood best friends. It was surreal to drive down such a beautiful coastline. It was strange to drop from society.

I felt content and present.

Day 77 – May 31, 2020

Blurry Days with Infinite Ends

Life sped up all of a sudden. Yesterday, I was strolling through campus, munching on Thai Basil until my friend texted me to come over. He was preparing lunch with some other students. It was nice to see friendly faces again. A small gathering — would you look at that. Discomfort lingered in the air as we watched music videos and waited for lunch. We’re all on edge for some reason. I left feeling a bit dismayed. There was no love in the room. I walked over to a friend’s house later that night. A small group of us had some drinks and a ball of a time.

The next day, I left Berkeley as soon as I could. I couldn’t stand it anymore. Complacency and thoughtlessness cloaked that house. That house I lived in for 3 years. It’s not the energy I want to surround myself with. I said goodbye and headed to La Vics in San Jose. I hung out with high school friends for the remainder of the day. It was a mix of awkward car conversations, and aimless walking.

I’ve been thinking about who I am. A young man driving through California. That’s it. That’s all I am and I’m perfectly content with it.

Day 78 – June 1, 2020

Simplifying the Present for the Future

I spent a few hours working on the physical objects in my life today. I threw out a lot of clothes, books and random objects. I’ve come to realize that I’ve accumulated a large amount of useless things. They’re cheap, serve little purpose and no longer fit with my personal outlook on life. I don’t have use for these objects anymore; they don’t provide aesthetic joy or rational purpose. They serve as mental, physical and emotional clutter. I used to adore some of these objects: pencil cups, an Xbox, and some skater clothes. When I think about throwing them out, I’m reminded of a quote “in the grand scheme of things, we are already dead.” Bobby Axelrod in the show Billions says this line. Thanks Brian Koppelman. It’s a great line. Similarly, in the grand scheme of life, these objects are meaningless. Our stories, experiences and relationships matter though. Objects can help amplify these aspects of our lives. It doesn’t take that many objects though.

As I move forward with my life, I begin embracing this new, nomadic young man. Horizons are wide. Future light is uncertain but it doesn’t matter. I know the direction I am moving in — forward. This future doesn’t require trinkets, pencil cups, felt hats or even 3 sets of sheets. Emotional baggage, toxic ties and painful memories are also not required. A ticket to this future can be had for some curiosity, kindness, love and a dime. Don’t forget the dime.

I’ll see you on the flip side.