Queerly Trans
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Queerly Trans

If There Was Something You Could Do To Save My Life, Would You?

A long overdue coming-out letter

Image created by author

This letter is written in response to Logan Silkwood’s writing prompt.

Hey everyone,

If you’re reading this I have some news to share and I might as well make it known to the world because, well, everything is on the internet and while you tell people to keep things a secret or in confidence, something of this magnitude has no lid.

I am not going to sugarcoat it… I have had a major health diagnosis recently. All the recent posts about doctors from me have been about this one singular item. From the frustrations to rage to anger, it’s something that just recently came up, and honestly, it’s too much to bear to keep secret anymore.

I am telling everyone this now so you all can say your goodbyes to the Paul you all know and love. The happy-go-lucky, easy-going, beer-drinking, shot-taking, wing-eating guy you all know and loved. The doctors have given me 1–2 years at which point there is not much else the doctors can do but guide me through to a peaceful transition.

I wish I had better news but these things happen for a reason. So I would appreciate it during this time that you all respect my privacy and that you wish me the best on my new journey.

This is never easy and it’s a journey that hopefully, I don’t have to go along with alone. You see, what if there was something I could do to save my life? Should I do it despite the risks? The risk of losing it all in the face of so much adversity? Should I even try to fight for my life?

Would you support me unconditionally no matter the risk, no matter the choices or the consequences I made if it meant me living just one more day as my true self? That is a big ask and I have to believe you would all respond with resounding, “Yes absolutely!” or, “We’re here for you no matter what!” sentiments.

So here goes…

I AM TRANSGENDER and have severe GENDER DYSPHORIA and NEED to transition from male to female. Always have been and always will, but I just didn’t know it until recently, or rather, I stopped living the lie before it was too late. I recently had my ‘egg’ cracked which translates to the, “Oh my god, I am transgender,” moment and the need to transition. Before this, I had a coping mechanism, and no it wasn’t drugs or alcohol, but in the form of sexual purging and release that I just cannot continue on with anymore…refuse to continue on with.

So my question to you all is, do you still support me unconditionally now when you did not know what my diagnosis was and the journey I am about to embark on? Or will you now turn your back on me? Either decision has no ramifications on what I do next. The next steps are the same as in any transition story. 1) HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy), 2) see how things end up over the course of the 1 to 2 years, and c) ultimately getting gender reconstruction surgery and any additional surgeries as might be needed to help alleviate my gender dysphoria and most importantly, live my life as my one true authentic self. You can say the word with me, it’s not going to bite and it’s not going anywhere: WOMAN.

This is no one’s fault. There is no blame to be thrown around. I was always this way since puberty, I just went along the path everyone expected me to go along with and couple that with my coping mechanism. Let me rephrase that, ‘enabling mechanism’ because it has only enabled me to continue living a lie and for what? The enabling mechanism will only get me so far until it would be too late.

I feel so fortunate to have realized this truth early on. Before the self-doubt, before the depression, before those unthinkable thoughts start to take over to the point of self-mutilation (which unfortunately have already crept in), or worse, death. So how do you feel knowing this is the one thing that can save me? Will you be supportive or shut me out of your lives forever?

I am hopeful that all of you would be supportive and know any negative messages will receive a block from friendship in full force and you can no longer be a part of my life. I know there are a handful of you I will lose forever but if we were ever friends or family, I hope you can still see me as your friend and family member…otherwise, were we really good friends or close family members in the first place? Anyone who transitions has no time for that and trust me, BELIEVE me, you will want the WOMAN who comes out of this on the other side, on your team.

So, say hello to Amber! She will still be the easy-going, beer-drinking, shot-taking, wing-eating girl you have always known and loved but with breasts, an hourglass figure (hopefully lol), a fresh sense of style instead of those boring old sweatpants and hoodies. Also, please note, I am not getting rid of either, a girl needs her hoodies and sweats but now mix in some cute leggings and whatnot. And, oh yes, ladies and gentlemen, eventually a vagina to boot…sorry fellas, I will now be a loud proud lesbian!

So while a lot of you have recently posted that I need to find a woman, well, look no further because you found her! (PS still looking for a beautiful, but more importantly, understanding woman to share my life with. That will NOT change, lol).

- Amber

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Amber Poe

Amber Poe

I am a 40 year old AMAB who is one month on HRT to become the woman I always destined to be.