Queerly Trans
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Queerly Trans

Imperfect Perfection

My DUH moment to reflect…

Photo by Marianna Smiley on Unsplash

I Don’t Know What I Don’t Know

So, I had my first follow-up with my HRT doctor today and it was a disaster!!! Normally, this is a time where you ask questions and try to find out how much of what you are noticing is from your meds. I have been on hormones for about 3 months but my results have been iffy, so I figured maybe an adjustment was needed.

But if you don’t do your labs first then you don’t get to talk about it…

And apparently, this practice has standing orders for their in-house lab, so I won’t get a message to do that. When my doc says this, I spiral because I feel like no one cares and no one is helping me with this process… and the rumble begins (think Brene Brown’s Rising Strong and I’m face-down again).

Who Cares About My Process?

Like, I have to do ALL the work myself. It just sucks that life is so “go get it” oriented. How am I even supposed to know what I need if I go look? And then I have to brave the hurricane of voices, the 1000+ brigade of opinions and stories, and hearsay. Like a radio on steroids with 1000 stations and no guide. And no guide for the guides, because if you want a guide, there are a million of us out there.

And I realized that my blogging could be seen like that. People let me clear the air. I AM NOT AN EXPERT on anything, not even me!

I am an apprentice, a Padawan, a beginner. And when I try to run my own life, I feel like Baby Anakin. In fact, his story resonates so much with me because that is my life. I’m like this little pipsqueak who has a talent for looking at things sideways and being curious (oh, and maybe a little Force on the side…lol).

And when I lean into that, when I engage my entire self into being, then I am unstoppable…

Photo by aboodi vesakaran on Unsplash

Picking Myself Up… Again

But I have to make it through all the falls too. And that is what I am learning. How to get back up again and keep on going. And how to not listen to all the voices, except for mine (and I love what I’m learning here, from my friends and followers). Because I have a voice inside me that keeps saying, I am loved, I am accepted, and I am enough. And that there is nothing I do that can change that. No matter what. So I don’t have to feel bad when I fall down (well, I mean, it still hurts), I don’t have to feel bad about myself. Because I am still learning and I want to be me. And when my doctor says my age may limit what will happen in my transition, I’m calling BS. Because I can do this.

And maybe I won’t end up being the most beautiful trans-woman ever, but I will be the most beautiful ME ever…

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

Oh, and I’m going back to the Doc’s on Monday to get my labs and follow-up next Friday. So just a bump on the road…

I will be the most beautiful ME ever!

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Jenny Starr✨

Jenny Starr✨

A transgender woman (she/they) learning her way in this beautiful life…queer, curious, thoughtful. I write poetry, LGBTQ and whatever else. Come away with me!