LGBTQ+ Women Dating Advice
Why You Need Friends
(And How to Make them)
Dating is hard but it’s even harder without friends. So girl don’t sit there staring at your profile hoping things will magically fall into place if you just meet the right woman, start working on your best life now. That begins with making friends.
Dating apps allow you to meet people, surely that means you can meet your next BFF on there too right? Well…here’s the thing. People on dating apps are usually seeking something casual or something long-term in the romantic relationship sense. I hear you my ace/aero friends, but even you are still looking for a life partner rather than a close friend. Your friends are there for the laughs, the margaritas, and adventures. Their guidance, advice, mistakes, and love are very different from the devotion of a life partner who’s directly affected by your joint decisions and who gets to see you at your most vulnerable on a regular if not daily basis. Friends come with different perks that I promise to break down for you today.
Friends will keep you honest
Ever date someone that you think meets all your needs except for that one annoying habit she’s got, like stealing puppies or taking off in the middle of the night? Well, you might be tempted to hang onto this gal because ‘lesbian dating is so hard so take what you can get’ (nonsense). It’s your friend who will be there to ask you the tough questions that will translate into more soul searching on your part until you decide to let the puppy-snatcher go.
Friends will keep you social
Remember that episode in Indian Matchmaking where Nadia was in tears because her boyfriend couldn’t be bothered to show up for coffee with her friends? Well, it was the friends who kept her spirits up, talked her through it, and saved the night. I’m not saying bring your friend to your first date, but if you ever match with a ghost girl then at least you have the option of calling a bestie to hang out or dissect the heartbreak with. Speaking of heartbreak.
Your friends will help you pick up the pieces
You can sit there in a dark room and cry about the girl who texted you for weeks before pulling a Casper or you can call a friend. They will let you wallow and the best ones eventually help you find great therapists. This is also why it’s important to have more than one friend because the injustice of your dating woes will play on repeat in your mind. If you don’t vent those feelings you’ll go crazy, but it’s not fair to burden your one bestie with constant vent fests. So the more friends you have, the more you can release frustration without feeling guilty about overloading one person.
“Ugh, Morgan I get it. Friends are awesome and I need some, I know that. But how do I make friends? Making friends as an *insert age group* is hard!”
Well, my dear, it doesn’t have to be. It’s actually easier to make friends than it is to vet your latest match. If a friendship isn’t working there’s no need to make alternative living arrangements or fight for custody of the cat.
So to get started making friends you need to shake up your routine. I get it, we all work, become tired, and fall into a Netflix & chill spiral, it happens to the best of us. But if you want friends you need to put yourself out there. How?
This is going to shock you but once upon a time, you went to an institution where you were surrounded by people your age for 12 years. In those years I’m guessing you’ve spoken to, made conversation, or at least heard of one or two people in your school. Chances are petty good you lost touch and haven’t reconnected for a while, if that’s the case then what’s stopping you from reaching out? If school was a time you’d rather forget then fair enough, start with your phone’s contact list and see who you’ve been ignoring recently. If you think communication should work both ways and they’re just as obligated to reach out to you, you’re right. But I promise you the world won’t end if you try and get no response. At best you’ll reconnect with a cool person you once knew, at worst nothing happens and you’re free to try someone else.
You might think coworkers are nice friends but be careful here. Even the most chill workplace is still a workplace and unless you’re comfortable discussing your personal business at work around colleagues then I’d avoid having a super close work friend to discuss your dating life with. That doesn’t mean you can’t go out for a beer and talk about anything other than work or dating, tough I know.
You’ve also heard of hobbies, but if you don’t like the idea of physically attending them right now, then that’s what online forums are for. I’ve met friends from around the world with who I have regular conversations and actual phone calls with on more than a surface level. It didn’t happen overnight, we started by talking about our shared interests/hobbies and the conversation naturally lead to learning more about each other. Forums are a great place to start, especially Facebook groups in your topics of interest. However, not everyone can connect over text and I respect that. But if after a while of texting you want to switch to WhatsApp I promise you there is a difference when you’re talking on the phone. It might feel awkward at first but it is a skill you’ll eventually develop because it emphasizes listening. Which is actually the key to any relationship.
Be a good friend
Most people want friends but don’t understand what it takes to be one in return. I know that you can list off the qualities of a good friend, listening, being caring, being available and all that good stuff other articles talk about. But the key to being a good friend in my opinion is being present, available, reciprocal, and curious. Tall order? It’s actually not a lot to ask.
It’s easy to tune out or multitask when you’re texting back and forth with your buddy. Sure, some conversations are routine or not as in-depth, but if you’re constantly multi-tasking between text sessions even about the stuff that matters then you’re not being a good friend. Ask yourself if you care about this person or if you’ve both grown apart but are too afraid to let go because ‘one is better than none’ (also false). If your friendship has run its course there is nothing wrong with formally ending it. This sounds weird because we live in a time where you might not catch up regularly then get back in touch months later. I’m not talking about that kind of friendship, I’m talking about a friendship where you are frustrated, not heard, and feel drained from supporting a friend who doesn’t reciprocate in any way. So if you’re doing all the work while they only reach out when they need something, cut them loose and find better friends. “It was nice getting to know you but I don’t want to be friends anymore. Thanks for everything and I wish you the best.” There, that is a simple friendship ending line that won’t leave room for misinterpretation.
Are you the friend that commits to plans then always flakes? Be honest. Sometimes being in large groups or out on a night you’d rather stay in is annoying. But if you’re constantly not showing up for face-time with your pals then they will think they don’t matter to you. So be a good friend by following through on plans and if you can’t, then be an adult and let them know or reschedule. Friends don’t leave friends hanging.
Share the spotlight
Did your friend just share an awesome achievement or big win? Congratulations are in order. But sometimes that’s all there is, a big “you go friend” and then nothing. No follow-up, no questions, zilch. Girl, it’s your duty as a friend to help your pal feel special. So ask questions! You may not know much about acting or interpretive dance but if she just got a scholarship to attend Julliard ask her about the experience. Ask how she got the opportunity? What are her plans for the move? What’s the first thing she plans to do when landing in New York? These probing questions will help your friend bask in the spotlight and feel listened to while you learn something new. Be careful though, some people like to turn the spotlight back on themselves. “Oh when I attended Julliard it was blah blah blah”, I get it, sometimes you have a directly related personal experience to add but if you do interject your own wisdom try and redirect the spotlight back to your pal occasionally. This is their moment and they will feel immensely grateful and appreciated if they feel like they’re being heard, they will also be more likely to reciprocate when it’s your big win. So instead try “Oh back when I attended Julliard they were fixing up the dance studio. Did you get a sneak peek of what it looks like now? What do you think?”.
Being a good friend takes time, hard work, and kindness. As you develop your social interaction skills it will become easier to befriend interesting people, the best part is you can start at any point and will meet plenty of cool people along the way. So get out there and make friends!
