Beyond OK OK OK with Lianna Newman
In our latest series, Navigating Emotional Newness, we are exploring the neuroplasticity that occurs when we reroute our brains to embrace information & pathways to feel better while embracing change. Adjusting our habits or changing can feel like an attack on our nervous systems, & often we deal with triggers & feeling the rawness of change because our defensive layers are being eroded. There’s usually nothing but flesh underneath wounds & it can feel wrong to expose ourselves. But that doesn’t mean it is. It’s different but can be very, very right. Every time we embrace & stick with alternative behaviors we give our brains a little more experience with the outcomes we desire. Over time, the unease fades. Until then, we brace ourselves & recommit as often as we can.
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Quench Finance: How was money discussed around you as a kid? Did you feel comfortable talking about it with your family?
Lianna Newman: I don’t know that money was ever really talked about when I was a kid. I know that I would get money for losing a tooth, haha, but there [were] never discussions about this is how you will survive, you should save your money & have a financial plan. My family is Guyanese & Jamaican; my mom was a single parent, & these factors make a difference, but I now know that as a child the mindset was we were just trying to survive on one income.
It’s hard to talk about money with my family, specifically thinking about my two older siblings. Every time I’ve tried in the past hasn’t led to any change in their behavior, not even gradual change. I’ve advised them a few times & am always met with “OK OK OK“ without actual change & I want better for them, but I also acknowledge I don’t have the capacity to do it for them or handhold them through the process, especially as someone navigating these changes myself.
I will say my mom has definitely been trying more to help my sisters understand the basics of budgeting. She even provided them with an Excel spreadsheet to input their monthly spending, in order to understand where their money is going. We all struggle with financial literacy in different ways, including how to talk about it with each other.
QF: In QTBILPOC communities, money & responsibilities are shared in ways that don’t always reflect Western values. How would you encourage someone who is beginning to develop new emotional awareness surrounding finance & is changing their habits within a framework that challenges or pushes against expectations?
LN: Hm, this is a tough question, I’d encourage them to take their time & be patient & gracious with themselves. It takes a while to develop new habits, especially healthy ones & without a lot of role models in one’s immediate vicinity that can also be really difficult. Our community is used to pushing against expectations & we often are operating in a framework that challenges us, so we’ve had to build tolerance or at least find [more] communities to support one another through those moments, & this would be the approach I’d recommend when it comes to navigating emotional awareness surrounding finance.
QF: How can we build awareness of the ways our beliefs about money were shaped without reinforcing destructive patterns?
LN: Talk about it! I co-moderate a support group for Black Queer Technologists and during one of our meetings, we discussed finance when one member mentioned they had met with a financial advisor. We all asked questions about the experience & discussed fears & concerns about sharing so much information with someone, which had hampered some from continuing with an advisor & the cost associated with it. This demystifying of the process from a community member we trusted really helped all of us see what could be possible. Talking through beliefs & acknowledging where we came from versus where we are versus where we want to be & having all of the validated can help build awareness. As for destructive patterns, conducting a behavior analysis of one’s past behavior when it comes to money, ideally in a group setting, could help reveal patterns that happen early on & things to look for going forward. Gaining awareness of a behavior is the first step in changing it.
QF: How do you stay encouraged while changing directions? Especially when building new habits surrounding money?
LN: I get a mentor or create a support group, haha, but seriously I do try & learn from others who are doing what I want to do. I listen & take notes, & practice patience as well as self-compassion with myself. Changing direction for me has to be done in small steps so these are some of the starting points.
QF: If we only address the symptoms or affects/effects of our behavior, we only manifest partial healing, how can partners or primaries keep the lines of communication open when fatigue or other factors take them off their path?
LN: Ask for help when you need it. I’m a big proponent of asking others for help when I’m struggling. Having an accountibilabuddy: someone in place who you’ve shared your goal with & asking them to check on you & your progress are all important parts of being accountable. Lastly, therapy, sometimes the emotional part of change is best addressed with a trained professional & even short-term therapy could be helpful in keeping one’s self on track.
QF: Who are some of your favorite advocates or finance influencers?
LN: I’m still new to a lot of this, but my go-to’s are Brown Ambition podcast, Suze Orman, and Minority Mindset.
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Lianna (no pronouns) is the DC chapter head of Out In Tech. Recently Lianna co-hosted the Out In Tech Black Mental Health | Emotion Regulation series alongside Giselle Lawrence who we heard from last week. Lianna is also Director of Intersectionality, GLOBE+ at Booz Allen Hamilton. When Lianna, a supporter & attendee of Lesbians Who Tech & Allies, isn’t coding or dabbling in the world of amateur robotics, Lianna likes to pet sit adorable dogs & craft dollhouse minatures.
