Love Stories for Valentine’s Day
First Love
I had my first boyfriend when I was 16 years old. That relationship lasted nearly 3 years. This first love relationship left on me a deep mark (as most first loves do). This relationship taught me above all to get to know my limits, as they were stretched until bursting. At 16 years old I had a jealous, possessive and paranoid boyfriend. And I was very young and inexperienced to understand that our love relationship was not a healthy one. At 17 years old I had given up on meeting all my male friends by myself and was constantly checking with self-examination my actions towards the opposite sex, to avoid triggering any suspicion or jealousy in my boyfriend. But still, sooner or later, I would end up crying, having to explain myself, prove that I had done nothing wrong or apologize for something that he considered capable of awakening his jealousy or paranoia. I lost myself in this relationship, when it came to an end I was 19 and no longer knew who I was. I had changed so many things to keep that relationship and when It was over I felt profoundly drained and with no desire to have a future boyfriend nor a similar relationship. It took me 2 years to rebuilt and give a second chance to love.
Nowadays I do not regret those 3 years. But I do question about the things which could have been done so that I would realize before that this was a toxic relationship. I remember vividly the moment when my mother found out that my sex life had started. Firstly she panicked (I suppose it is normal), got mad and emotionally blackmailed me so that, so she would think, the process would be delayed. However, some days later, she understood that this wasn’t the best approach, so we sat down to talk like adults about what she considered most important: avoid STDs and unwanted pregnancies. Today I know that another conversation would have been more useful. At 16 years old I already knew almost everything about condoms. But knew very little about love relationships. Why don’t people really talk about this at home? I know that probably, at that time, if my mother had asked me how my relationship with my boyfriend was, I would think that it was none of her business and wouldn’t tell her much. But what if talking about relationships (whether it is love, friendship or other types of relationships) was something more usual between parents and brood? Probably by the first day that my boyfriend at the time had done his first jealousy scene, I would have figured that that wasn’t good nor healthy. At this moment there are teenagers and juveniles (and adults as well) going through the same problems I had, or similar issues, and parents that don’t include in “the talk” both contraceptive methods and relationships.
When/ if I have children I will talk about jealousy, possession, trust, self-esteem, etc. And when it comes to sex I’ll focus on themes such as consent and the importance of intimacy and shared pleasure.
Self Love
Until a few years ago I would sabotage all my relationships because I needed them. I hated being alone and needed to have, not just a very active social life, but also a more intimate relationship to fill in the void. All my relationships would start casually, without much commitment, but when I realised that, I had already become strongly dependent on a person with whom I was having a relationship at that time. That dependency would make me someone that was willing to do anything to please the other person, the other person’s likes would become my likes and my own desires were no longer important. All my relationships would fail some time later because the truth is that I was not the person that my partners had fell for anymore.
A few years ago, after another breakup, I realised that for my own good I needed to face this void that I was trying to fill in, understand it and deconstruct it so that I could feel good in my own skin, setting aside the “need” and dependency on relationships to be happy. Nowadays I have a bit of a difficulty in knowing how exactly I have done that, because it wasn’t something premeditated or programmed. I guess I simply let the void exist without resisting to it, and further on understood that I didn’t need anyone to fill it in and that self-love was enough. Furthermore, I found out that feeling accompanied by myself filled in the void completely and permanently. This subtle change on the internal side, completely changed my way of seeing relationships (love, family, friend and professional relationships). What in truth seems like a selfish mindset (thinking that I don’t need the constant companionship of others to be happy) ended up making me think more often on what can I give to others and less of what I can get from them.
I know that many people feel that void and the need to fulfil it. Actually society shoves us into this with stories about “soulmates” and “better halves”. We learn that our lives aren’t complete, or even have no purpose, until we find “the one”. My experience tells me that it’s not possible to have a fulfilling life with someone else if you don’t feel fulfilled with your inner wealth.
Why does society makes you believe that you need to find “someone that makes you happy”?
Current Love
The love relationship I have at the present moment is interestingly with the same person with which I had the breakup that led me to change the way I see relationships. After this change, that same person got back in my life and when I had to decide if I wanted to be with them again, I had this thought: “I don’t need this person to be happy, however can this relationship promote value into our lives, help us grow and be better people?”. The answer was yes.
With the previous lesson learned, despite being again with the same person I was six months prior, our relationship became very different from what it had been. Aside from no longer believing in the enchanted prince story that makes the princess life complete, I started to question other standard relationships aspects. Why do couples “have to” sleep together? — ironically all my life I’ve hated sleeping alone, now it’s the way I prefer. — Why at certain age, people expect couples to live in the same house and why does society makes so much pressure on it? — I don’t believe that living together is what makes the relationship more solid. Why is that, from the moment a couple has a “serious” relationship, the partner is automatically invited to most of the events to which the other person is invited to? And why is that, when one element of the couple decides to show up by themselves, that’s considered as something odd? After all the social life of couples don’t have to be lived exclusively as a couple.
Keep in mind that this doesn’t mean that I’m against all social conventions regarding couple’s relationships, nor do I reject them all. I just like to question them and decide which match my life and which I prefer to rule out, instead of simply accept them all.
What questions do you make yourself regarding love, relationships, the way we talk about them and about the social conventions that many times dictate the rules?
Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love. — Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
