THEATER HUMOR
A Handful of Short, Truly Awful Plays
Possibly the dumbest thing I have ever written
Dearest Reader,
Behold! I present you with these plays in order to shock, awe, and inspire you! For a moment, unshackle yourself from the monotony of your mundane day. Let the actors’ words whisk you away to another place and time.
On with the show…
Murky Mabel
Mabel: Damn this heat! I have such terrible swamp ass!
Alligator: How do you think my ass feels? I LIVE in a swamp!
Mabel and Alligator take bows.
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Dotty Gets Fancy
Dotty and Hair Stylist are in a salon
Dotty: Please give me one of those lovely French braids.
Hair Stylist: Coming right up!
Hair Stylist completes the hair-do and holds up a mirror
Dotty: What? This is just a regular braid with a baguette and a lit cigarette stuck in it!
Hair Stylist: You’re right. I forgot something.
Hair Stylist places a beret on Dotty’s head
Dotty: Oh là là!
Dotty and Hairstylist bow as French music plays
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Milton and The Medium
Milton and The Medium sit at a table with lit candles
Milton: Medium, please contact my deceased Grandfather, Ed Rogers.
Medium: Hooray! He is with us now. He says “It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.”
Milton: Hmm, Ed was a real sonofabitch. That doesn’t sound like him. What’s he doing?
Medium: He’s holding the most horrifying-looking puppet you’ve ever seen in your life.
Milton: A puppet? What the heck?
Medium: Now a mailman is with him and they’re chatting about the weather.
Milton: No, something isn’t right. Ed used to steal from the mailman. He owed him thousands when he died.
Medium: Oh, Ed is tying his shoes now and asking if we will be his neighbor.
Milton paces across the stage and then halts.
Milton: Wait a minute. Did you accidentally summon Fred Rogers, from Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood?
Medium: Oops. You’re right. Unfortunately, you DID speak with a celebrity, so you will be charged the Famous Ghost Fee.
Milton: God damn it! I can’t afford this. I still have to pay back the mailman!
Medium: I am going to contact Jack the Ripper if you don’t pay me right now.
Milton: Yeah right. You’ll screw it up and contact Shirley Temple or something.
Medium: You know what? You’re probably right!
Milton and The Medium laugh. Then they bow.
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Wow! I hope you enjoyed these theatrical masterpieces. If you know any Broadway producers, please tell them about me and my cutting-edge plays.
The playwright bows.
