Just Because You Say “I’m Sorry” Doesn’t Mean I Forgive You.
It doesn’t take away the pain.
I don’t understand, I have never understood…who said an apology meant all was forgiven? Why do we believe this? Stuff don’t just magically go away.
Just because you say you’re sorry, doesn’t mean you fixed anything, it doesn't undo any damage, what’s done is done. You can’t erase it, undo it or reverse time.
Add to that, the longer it takes you to say these words, generally this means you’re going to inflict more pain and create more issues. Both of these things need to be worked on and through. While some of these issues can’t be unraveled.
Why am I saying this?
Because I’m in pain.
After nearly two and a half months of questioning why? After hitting rock bottom in my life. The individual that was the catalyst for my world of pain, decided she was now ready to say I am sorry.
Writing this now, it makes me laugh… I feel like I’ve been bombarded with emotions, confusion and pain.
I think if I wasn’t laughing at the situation, I’d be crying.
It’s hard to take an apology seriously when you have to be the one to ask for it. They didn’t say it without being prompted, is what I am trying to get at. Without being asked to have a conversation first. I still believe if I hadn’t said anything first, I would be sitting here waiting for an apology or not waiting…
Can it be heartfelt if it’s forced…? Does it matter if it’s heartfelt if it’s said? I’m struggling to comprehend the experience I went through…
Should I feel relieved? Peaceful? Content? Shouldn’t I feel better in some way?
I know a lot of questions. Although I feel like my emotions are in limbo. I don’t forgive her for what she did, a part of me doesn’t want to, and that’s okay. Honestly, I am okay with this whole situation not being okay.
And… I guess I am grateful for it happening. Because although I know in my gut I cannot forgive, at least I have peace of mind.
It’s helped me re-established what I know about myself; I can’t put things in boxes and walk away. I need to have closure in a situation. Even if I decide that I cannot forgive the actions of the past, maybe it will help me understand what happened, or understand myself. I think when bad stuff happens there’s a lot we can learn from it. Scratch that, every situation is worth learning something from. I feel that being able to write stuff down has been a massive help for me.
I’m not expecting everyone to understand where I’m coming from, but yet I’m 100% sure we’ve all been there once, and if you haven’t I probably will be.
Don’t hold on to the pain, that’s not what I’m doing. I’m just choosing to be brave for myself. I’m choosing to let bygones be bygones… But I’m not forgiving, oh hell no. It’s time I start learning from this shit. I know who you are now. I’m not blind or confused anymore.
I will not let you take up more of my time or my life. Because I’m worth more than that and I also believe in karma. Yep, I said it!
I hope this helps someone. Because just being able to write it out has massively helped me.
