SATIRE/DARK HUMOR/SUPREME COURT
So You’re 16 and Pregnant and You Live in Alabama
Now, what? Are you going to have the baby and marry your cousin like a good Christian girl?
You don’t have rights to your own body. You’re just a woman after all. And in this case, a young one, in fact, let’s face it, you’re a dumb, young girl who just decided to spread your legs one night because he was just so damn irresistible. He is your cousin after all. Your family ages well. He looks good for 35.
You live in Ala-fuckin’-Bama, you’re 16 and pregnant. You don’t know if you can have the baby. You’re not ready to give birth to your cousin-son just yet. You’re just not quite ready to commit to anything serious, even if he is your cousin.
I mean, your whole family married their cousins and were having babies at your age. Your family is very biblical. How do you think Adam and Eve’s family populated the Earth after all? A bunch of brothers and sisters and cousins getting it on, duh, but the pressure is too much for you. You’re not ready to help populate the world yet. You have bigger dreams.
You want to be the next Carrie Underwood, because, “Jesus, Take the Wheel,” and she’s just so pretty, isn’t she? You want to move to Nashville and become a star. You were telling yourself you would be there in a few years once you learned how to read, let alone sing. You were once kicked out of church choir practice for singing a note so off-key that the whole ministry thought that you were having some sort of stroke.
You want to wait a year or two so you can at least finish sixth grade. Plus, that part-time server job over at the Cracker Barrel just gave you a couple of extra shifts. You can’t work that job pregnant though. Plus, you ran away from home at 13. You have no other family to turn to either way.
You don’t know much about where to go or what to do. You’ve been told but you’re not sure where you have legal options to get the baby taken care of. You don’t watch that fake news bullshit. Your three authorities on what’s right are the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
You don’t even listen to a single word that dumb Biden dude is saying, because Let’s Go, Brandon, right? Everyone else in your small town says it. It must be right. Those people in those fancy robes had just voted and told you what the right thing to do is. They are some smart people, after all, carrying out God’s plan but you still have your doubts.
Everyone’s going to encourage you to carry that baby to term because doing anything else is murder and goes against God and you’re a good Christian woman. The older men in your life know what’s right for you anyway. You have to do what they say or find another way to do it that’s not exactly legal.
What you don’t know is that you may not come back alive from this if you seek alternative options to take care of your little problem. You don’t exactly know how far or where to go. You can’t exactly escape the gossip of your town leaving pregnant and coming back not so much.
You could surrender that baby over to the fire station or put it up for adoption, but you still have to carry it and give birth to it until then. Maybe you just move into your cousin’s stepmom’s trailer with him for a while until you two figure it out.
