The New Beginning Has Begun
Let’s be honest. I’m here in front of my computer this morning because I am having a soul-sucking attack of Guilt. Not only has it been almost a week since I last published anything, it’s been that long since I wanted to write anything! So there! I said it out loud!
A month ago, when I started my retirement, I was gung-ho about setting out on this new journey of writing. I’d published a few times on Medium before but with my days no longer occupied by endless meetings, irate clients and impossible personnel issues, I was hoping for a fountain of ideas to start spewing out of my head.
And, indeed, I put out in July! (You’re welcome!) I wrote more stories and different ones than I ever had before! Better stuff (to my mind,) more frequently, with more positive responses. Yep, July was a banner month, by comparison! Many of you are more prolific and better at this than I am or ever will be, to be sure, but I truly thought to myself, “Not bad for a ‘first step’ in my new career!”
And now that we’re into August, there’s been a seismic shift. That “spewing” of ideas has now dramatically slowed to a . . .drip. . .drip. . .drip. All the luggage that was in the back seat has slammed into the back of the front seat.
It can’t be I’m burnt out already, can it? Am I through before I really get started?
Perhaps with my retirement I really have become that boring person now who has to observe other dull, slow-moving creatures to inspire my ideas because interesting, quick-moving people leave my mind before any thoughts plant themselves in my head, like I can’t keep up.
I had a sister-in-law like that once. It would take her what seemed to be 3 hours after she entered a room before she’d say something. Her appearance was that of slowly moving underwater making everybody around her seem to be on “fast forward.” And, truthfully, I don’t know if she ever uttered an interesting bit of conversation when she did speak. Never in my presence, that’s for sure!
I know I’m not quite as active and interactive as I was before retirement. I’m taking a lot more naps now. Sheesh! Oh, yeah. But I do not lead a boring life!
I mean, I’ve found the new hiding places for the measuring spoons my wife uses for when they come out of the dishwasher. I’ve already planned out what shoes I’ve decided to wear for the next week for different occasions. And I’ve taken an active role in peering through closed curtains at the neighbors’ activities and noting them in my journal.
But I am Not a boring person! I swear it!
And I’m playing a lot more online chess now! Wait. . ., that might not be helping my cause here.
Well, I’ve played a little more golf in the last month, reducing my handicap from a miserable 41.6 to a less dreadful 40.8. (Yeah, I can’t tell the difference either.) I will play more, I promise.
And just last week I went out and spoke face-to-face for the first time with the lawn people since I’m not at work anymore when they come by. I got to point out to each one of them, in a personal way, what more I thought they could be doing to better maintain my lawn.
And they seemed to be genuinely pleased after we had those conversations. Especially when they got in their trucks to drive away.
No! I swear I am not boring! I can keep myself amused. And, yes, I am aware I am a “High-Maintenance” Brat! I demand to be amused all the time! And since I seem to be alone a lot — that “High-Maintenance” comment I just made has nothing to do with it — I am adept at providing my own entertainment.
So, that being said, I now have to ask myself, “Where are they, Sparky? Where are your ideas?”
Surprising me in all this is the fact that my lacking this spurt of inspiration is stressful! I mean, before I retired from my “real” job to whatever “this” is, stress by writing was not part of the equation except I saw myself reducing it when I wrote what I wanted to write.
Also surprising is the fact that, aside from wanting to avoid shame for writing garbage, I think I want to justify peoples’ faith in me when they encouraged me for being a “good writer.” Hah!!
I can feel the pity leaking from their eyes now as they wait in awkward silence for me to actually put “non-kaka” words into the computer.
I can discern a common thread here. Fear of failure. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of looking just plain stupid. Aha! I think I’ve got it! I need a new laptop! I must be afraid of my laptop!
I’m kidding, of course, because I have used my computer to write more in the last month than I have since my college days. And it has been rewarding to me. I have been loving it! And when I think about it, that’s what I’m doing it for.
I really can’t say I write for you. Sorry. I write for me. Of course, I’m gratified to those of you who have applauded me, encouraged me, and reached out to me to share your own stories. Yet, still, I have to write for myself or the urge will never be more than that incessant drip.
I have read many of your essays on creativity and I absorb as much as I can, believe me. If nothing else comes from all this, osmosis may prove to be my best learning method.
And learning from you has also been rewarding. Difficult, at times, yes, when I compare what I do to your styles and suggestions, realizing I have a long way to go, but still rewarding.
So I may continue this writing journey. As soon as an idea comes along. Right after I get up from my nap.
