Delusional intimacy…!
What are we talking about here? How can someone be delusional about intimacy?
After all we can feel very apparently whether someone is close to us or not. We don't need a gauge to answer the question if we are emotionally intimate with out best friend or sibling, or we are physically intimate with our partners or lovers. Then how can there be a delusion about intimacy?
This is complex and there is more than what meets the eye. The examples given above are the ones which which factor in “routine/reliability” part of it. Those repeated patterns formed in our brain over and over again by someone’s presence over a period of time in our life. How much comfortable we are in our skin around them? And how much grasp they have of the pictures that we see in our minds? These are the things that give us an idea whether we are close to someone or not.
There is another side of intimacy when we just gauge it by what can we express in front of that person. By thinking that we are able to speak our heart and bare our soul in front of a person, doesn’t mean that there is a shared intimacy. There could be multitude of reasons where you might be comfortable laying your deepest thoughts out, without it having to do anything with intimacy. Let’s have a brief look at them:
- You might be comfortable sharing something to them just because they don’t belong to your immediate circle and you don’t care about their judgement as such.
- They might be listening to you because they might be keen on exploring different personality types.
- They might be listening to you because it gives them another excuse of not pondering over their own inner conflicts.
- They might be present with to you because they are avoiding something in their own life.
- They might be exaggerating their self grandiosity by “being there” for you.
- They might be getting paid to do that.
Even if you don’t agree with any of the first five points you will be on the same page with me over the sixth one. Tell me would you ever label the equation between you and your therapist as “intimacy”? There you know they are doing this because they are clearly getting something out of it.
Similarly, in every scenario discussed above, someone is getting something in return. That is why they are doing it and the reason in not that you two share an intimate bond. Because if it is true, they would be feeling the same about you as well. The way a therapist never discusses their own life with a patient, they don’t allow you in the dungeon of their mind. They might be there for you, but do they allow you to be there for them? As much as they have been your strength or safe space, have they shown you their weak side? Did they ever seek you out as their safe space?
A person might have provided you a listening ear or reliable support system but have you got an opportunity to be a support for them. Intimacy is delusional till there is no reciprocation of vulnerability!
If they can’t be vulnerable with you, they are not close to you, as much as you would like to think otherwise. They are definitely doing it for one of the above reasons. And I am not protesting against this type of equation or support system, I just don’t want you to be delusional about it.
The real test of intimacy is not merely in those who stood by you as you faced your inner demons but in those who did not slam the door in you face when you sought to help them battle their own.
This might be your cue for re-evaluating some of your “intimate” connections!
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Thanks for your time and attention!
Keep evolving :)
