After 30 days….
So it has been 30 days since that breakdown. I think every step I took in my life just led me to this meltdown. The so-called silver lining to this was that I got to start all over again. I am not very excited about starting all over again. It includes creatively trying to make something of all that is left behind cover up those scars and make them appear like tattoos. It drains every ounce of energy from my body but it is a mandatory task for me. I can’t give up now, I don’t want to.
It took me a while to accept that I wasn’t OK with what happened to me. I put up a brave front like I was badass and nothing could affect me. But that wasn’t true.
I write not because I feel I am good at it but because that is the only thing that has been helping me. I am not anti-people, I simply try to avoid danger. Not every adventurous at the moment. Being understood is definitely an underrated pleasure.
Some of the depressing developments…
- Over the past few years, one thing was a constant in my life. Fear — the most constant thing every since I was 15, ever since I left my boarding school. Until I was 17 I feared I would not be accepted by the boys in my school since I was much taller than them and I was on the healthier end. I got over this when I got out of that little school world of mine. As the years went by it just increased. The biggest fear of all was that I feared that everything inside of me is worthless and embarrassing. This has stopped me from being me, I take really long to let people in, to see the real me. Thus, I don’t have many friends. By friends, I don’t mean classmates or acquaintances but by people who you reach out to. There was this great need of acceptance that I required which was my biggest flaw.
- Uncertainty scares me and to avoid this I make assumptions. Assumptions that are just so useless.
- Power indeed can determine a person’s character. After all, Lincoln was right ‘…if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.’ I had someone quit what I loved doing because he was not comfortable around me because he thought I was a mistake.
- Idealism is a rare quality. It always needs a lot of courage and strength to pursue it.
All these years I have always measured myself. Love, happiness, sadness all of them had a measure to it.
Adding to all this I gave my heart to a boy. He did not cheat on me, he did not treat me wrong well, he did not even know I liked him until I actually told him. What hurt me was that he would love someone else more.
To come to think of it guess love is like art, like an abstract painting you are trying to create. For me, he was this pastel watercolor painting. Every time I saw him or spoke to him there was this color that was thrown on the canvas.It varied from dandelion to tangerine to lavender and sometimes even cobalt blue. It would just spread and blend with the other colors to form a hue which is just so different from anything that I have seen. We did not create this painting together it was mine and I guess he will never see how beautiful it is for he has his own.
I am still learning to appreciate this. It could take me awhile, though.
The last 30 days has been about why what and how. So these are some of the things that I have figured. At present all these makes sense but I may not feel the same in another 30 days.
You may be wondering why I have to share it all of it on a public forum. Probably because I know how frustrating it is be lost and look for someone who would understand.