My Split Brain: One functions as a normal human, the other can only think of my infertility
Fertility is something every human will have to think about in their life, maybe without even realizing it.
Do I or don’t I want children?
Can I or can’t I have children?
Sometimes we make these decisions, sometimes they are made for us. But from passing thoughts to deep conversations about the subject, fertility is a universal human issue.
However, for those that answer yes to the first question, it’s the second question that can turn their world upside down while it seems like everyone else is maddeningly going about business as usual, impervious to this thing that has consumed your life.
Because fertility affects everyone, we all know someone who has experienced infertility and has gone through, is going through, or considering IVF. So why don’t we talk about the emotional toll as much as the physical one?
A friend of Quno has graciously agreed to share her emotional journey of balancing all sides of life while taking on infertility.
Her story:
We want to get pregnant
Nowadays, we find it difficult to juggle our professional and personal lives. Finding that balance between work and life can be quite hectic — we are busy at work, we want to do well in our careers, see our friends, exercise, eat well and somehow have time left over to explore the things we love.
Of course, at a certain point in our lives we start to think about having a family. We plan everything: Plan when would be the best time to get pregnant, plan how many children we want to have, and if you are as crazy as me, plan the vacation you’ll take with your little family during your maternity leave. Unfortunately, as many of us soon find out, it is not that easy.
I met my husband in October 2015 and immediately knew that this was it — I wanted everything and I wanted it now — I could already picture our cute little blonde German children eating brezel at breakfast in their lederhosen. Fast-forward two years later, we get married, and begin the exciting time in our lives of trying for a baby. And let me tell you it is trying!! After 2 years, still no baby.
Why am I not getting pregnant?
The World Health Organisation defines infertility as “a disease of the reproductive system defined by the failure to achieve a clinical pregnancy after 12 months or more of regular unprotected sexual intercourse”.
Facing the disappointment each month when your period arrives and your hopes are dashed for another 28 days is extremely tough to bear.
After 1 year, we decided to grab the bull by the horns and see a fertility specialist, who explained all of our options. With both of us, everything was fine. They couldn’t give me an explanation for why I couldn’t get pregnant, except that there may be a block in one of my fallopian tubes stopping the egg from reaching its destination — and that the next step was for me to have a hysterosalpingography. Good, I thought, let’s get this moving as soon as possible.
In December 2018 I had the hysterosalpingography. During this procedure, a long catheter is inserted into the uterus and fallopian tubes, and a special dye is injected to see whether it flows freely — if it does not flow freely (like in my case), there may be a blockage, and the only way to know for sure is to have an investigative laparoscopy.
The hysterosalpingography can be a little uncomfortable for most women, but for some, it can be pure hell. There is no anaesthesia used, you are given some strong painkillers to ease the pain, however the experience was unbearable for me. In this moment, you think “why the hell do I have to do this to my body to get a baby”. But, like many others, I powered through.
It is very difficult to get on with your regular daily life when you have these procedures, but women are amazing and our bodies are so resilient, we can withstand anything.
The next step — investigative laparoscopic surgery. For anyone, the thought of surgery can be terrifying — I was no different. Lying on the hospital trolley, ready to have the anaesthetic administered, I was so thankful to the wonderful nurses and doctors who helped ease my mind and support me in my decision to get to the bottom of my infertility.
It is very hard to stay positive and think it will be all worth it when you are lying in a hospital bed in pain, bleeding, bloated and unable to move or go to the bathroom by yourself. But, the results of the surgery make the battle worthwhile — the surgeon found some endometriosis-like tissue which may have been causing the blockage. Good news — this was removed and I should have a high success in becoming pregnant within the next three months.
Worth it! Game on.
3 months passed, still no sign of a pregnancy. This is an incredibly disappointing feeling that weighs heavily on your heart. You ask yourself — why can’t I get pregnant, what is wrong with me, what am I doing wrong, why why why… And there is no answer. More friends give birth or share their lovely news of their pregnancies and although you delight in their good fortune, you cannot help but feel your own heart breaking at the same time.
We get some help to get pregnant
So, we then decided to give IVF a shot. As I am 34 and my husband is 35, we still have a good chance to conceive naturally, but as I am a determined, impatient, and relentless woman, I will simply not wait any longer :) I am sure many women can identify with that!
3 months passed, still no sign of a pregnancy. This is an incredibly disappointing feeling that weighs heavily on your heart.
The process itself is not a difficult one, but the emotional toll is.
You are given hormone injections to administer in the morning and in the evening for around 8–10 days, then an extra shot to boost your egg production right before ovulation.
I didn’t experience any crazy side effects or mood changes, all was normal.
The challenge is the egg retrieval (an outpatient procedure that has to be done under general anaethesia). It only takes around 30 mins, but recovery at home for up to a week is advised. Of course I didn’t stay at home for a week, I took 3 sick days and powered on through.
My colleagues don’t know I’m trying to get pregnant
This is an extremely difficult time, since your colleagues know you are “sick” but most women can’t tell anyone what they are going through. So we go to work bleeding, sore, bloated, emotionally and physically exhausted and try to function like normal human beings. This is not easy.
Then, a few days later, once the embryo has fully developed, you go for the embryo transfer. This procedure takes a few minutes and it is recommended that you rest afterwards. It doesn’t hurt, it’s simply like having a pap smear.
I had this procedure on my lunch break and went back to the office afterwards. BIG MISTAKE! Sitting there in the clinic with my husband, knowing that our potential child is now cosying its way into my uterus, was a huge moment. For every couple — this is it. You hope and pray that it will implant and want to grow and be a part of your lives because you already have so much love for this little ball of cells.
My advice — take the afternoon off, relax, and enjoy your day together.
I had this procedure on my lunch break and went back to the office afterwards. BIG MISTAKE!
The next few days of waiting was a killer. Symptoms of pregnancy and symptoms of an oncoming period are very similar, so you don’t know what to think. There’s the boob swell, the cramping, the fatigue, and some bleeding can be expected — what a head trip, eh!
Unfortunately for me, my period did arrive, and it arrived with a bang. There was no need for a pregnancy test, aside from the obligatory blood test 2 days later at the fertility clinic to confirm.
Words cannot express how I felt during these days, it was a haze. I functioned, I went to work, I laughed and joked around with my colleagues, but, as soon as I left the office, my world just crashed down. The nail in the coffin was the day of the negative blood test at the fertility clinic, when I saw a smiling lady walking out with her “mum to be” gift bag after her successful round of IVF.
Why don’t we talk about how hard it can be to get pregnant?
Everyone says that making babies is fun, but very quickly all the fun can be sucked right out of it. There’s nothing like ovulation windows, hormones, and constant crying to buzz-kill any romance. You think you can control your body, since you are the vessel for pro-creation. The feelings of shame, anger and sheer hopelessness that are experienced throughout this journey wreak havoc on your relationship, your social life and your mental health.
I functioned, I went to work, I laughed and joked around with my colleagues, but, as soon as I left the office, my world just crashed down.
I have often passed women in the street with big round bellies who are holding hands with their barely-walking toddler and think “why do you get to experience this joy again when I can’t even have it once” — this is a perfectly normal thought, but I dare not share it.
The more we share our experiences with each other and be open about our own struggles, the more we learn that we are not alone. One in six couples are struggling with infertility, so somebody you know is probably having the same experience. Would you want her to face this alone? Share your story, be kind to yourself.
I won’t give up. Roll on Round 2.
