Let’s Start 2018 With Funny One-liners

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
-Bill Watterson

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
-Aldous Huxley

Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less
confusing that way.

If I agree with you. We’d both be wrong

You can’t have everything… where would you put it? Steven Wright

If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary form.

I have such a high regard for the truth that I use it sparingly.
-Timothy Connor

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
-Colin Sautar

I’ve gotten “Thank you” notes from people I said I’d never see again

Frank: I didn’t come here to be liked. Radar: You certainly came to the right place

He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.
-Harry Kalas

A great name for a new country song: If I’d Shot You Sooner, I’d Be Out of Jail by Now.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
-Carl Zwanzig

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

I like your approach, now let’s see your departure

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up — they have no holidays
-Henny Youngman