Confronting My Own Microaggressive Silence
2021 $5,000 Scholarship Essay Competition
by Mackenzie Chiodi, 2021 Scholarship Essay Competition Honorable Mention
As a Caucasian woman, I have had the privilege of navigating through my life without encountering any obstacles that were put in place to limit me on the basis of my race. Despite this, race has still been a salient variable in my life for years and it intersects with my curriculum on a daily basis. As an emerging second-year graduate student in clinical psychology at Roosevelt University, I have had to confront my preconceptions, biases, and the role of my upbringing in the way I think about race and ethnicity. One specific experience that brought up intense emotions for me occurred during a course discussion. A student came forward about how they felt an unnecessary burden was placed on them as a Black classmate to carry the class discussions pertaining to multicultural topics. This burden was placed on them by the silence of the White students during the discussion. This member of my cohort expressed that by being silent, we were making it seem as if it was their job to speak and to educate us on matters of racial discrimination.
As I realized what my classmate said was entirely accurate, I felt several emotions at once. First and foremost, I felt ashamed. One of the first things we learn as budding clinicians is that it is never the client’s role to educate you on their culture. It is the clinician’s role to self-educate, and further - to advocate for cultural equality on behalf of the client both in and out of session. I felt an overwhelming amount of shame, it felt as if I failed as a student and a professional at that moment. Truth be told, for a split-second after the statement was made, I felt defensive. A part of me thought:
“This student was addressing the whole class, not just you. You try your best. You are doing just fine; they can’t mean that the problem is you”.
Shortly after that, the unpleasant realization hit that I may not have been the sole cause of the problem, but I was a contributing factor. Without these “uncomfortable” conversations, nothing would ever be done for the furthering of racial justice. By not contributing to the overall discussion, I did not allow for growth in terms of my own knowledge about multicultural psychology, or growth in terms of others’ knowledge about race and how it interacts with mental health.
After the class ended, I expected to quickly process the emotions I felt. It took much longer for me to come to terms with what I was experiencing. My psyche shifted from feelings of guilt to sadness, the whole time keeping in mind that my emotions were not the real issue here. Eventually, I decided to bring up my feelings to my therapist, who is a woman of color. I wanted to not only process my own guilt, but also to learn what would be helpful in the future from someone who has personally experienced unnecessary social burdens due to race. I discussed the situation with her and told her exactly how guilty I felt. She helped me to realize that while I could have done better in this situation, the time has passed. I now needed to focus on what tools I could use in the future to make sure that I actively demonstrated my allyship by speaking up for others.
Although this situation occurred months ago, I still feel its impacts today. I am much more conscious of what my silence means in the context of any conversation. Even if I feel uncomfortable, or unsure of what to say in a conversation about race or ethnicity, I now make a concerted effort to insert a question or some other form of input. I have made small strides in terms of better showing my allyship, such as increasing my online advocacy. I am excited to better display my solidarity in-person as the ongoing pandemic starts to disappear. I am lucky to have access to many conferences and other social justice events through my current academic institution, which will be amazing tools for me to use to broaden my knowledge base.
I sincerely hope that anyone who is not a racial minority can take this away from my story: silence is not conducive to change.
To reflect, I believe that several emotional intelligence skills would have transformed my mistake of indirectly burdening my Black classmate. If I had possessed the skill of being socially assertive, perhaps I could have felt more comfortable discussing race with my classmates, even if I was (and am) weaker in my knowledge base than I strive to be. That is a flaw that lives within me, and I am still actively working to become more comfortable with breaking the silence in all social situations. Additionally, I wish I had possessed the ability to closely pay attention to the small instances of privilege that I encounter within my daily life as a student. Being White, I have not ever felt as if I was required to carry a conversation about my own race. I didn’t feel the burden of having to educate others on my own oppression, because I have not experienced any. If I had been more attentive to how my silence was being perceived by those with different backgrounds, I would have been aware that I needed to step up and take responsibility in the conversation. My classmate may not know this, but their remark was a catalyst in my journey toward becoming a culturally competent psychologist who actively advocates for others. I sincerely hope that anyone who is not a racial minority can take this away from my story: silence is not conducive to change. Be loud, advocate, and don’t let discomfort stunt social progress.
Help support the EQuity Scholarship Essay Competition and keep the dialogue going!
