Toxic Masculinity: What do we gain from it?

What do you think of when you hear someone say, “man up” or “be a man?” Where did that thought come from? Now, think about what that reaction means. Chances are that whatever came to mind, you’re not the only one. Speaking for myself, I know my reaction to hearing those phrases over the years has changed, but my gut reaction is still to hear “be strong, not weak.”

We’re raised from a young age, men and women alike, that certain traits are ascribed exclusively to men while others to women. It is a part of gender socialization of Western society that has traditionally enforced dominant characteristics to men and the submissive one to women. Little boys and girls are taught, often before they can even speak, that certain colors, emotions, clothes, even food and drink are acceptable and that others are not. Boys in particular are taught to generally suppress their emotions — what boy wasn’t told “big boys don’t cry” at some point in their childhood?

We cannot ignore where this stems from, this notion that men are dominant over women. Toxic masculinity is the idea in psychology that refers to traditional cultural masculine norms that can be harmful to men, women, and society overall (1). The APA recently published a study exploring the connection between well-being and qualities associated with toxic masculinity. A few of the parameters they examined were emotional control, aversion to homosexuality, risk-taking, aggression, and striving for power and status (2). These are all things that have become so ingrained in our culture that they escape our notice, despite being inundated with them every single day.

Let’s break them down, and in doing so, examine the pattern by which they maintain the status quo of a male-dominated society. Starting with emotional control, which can be summed up by the aforementioned “big boys don’t cry.” Somewhere in our history, it was decided that crying is a sign of weakness, that crying is feminine, that a boy crying is something to mock. And yet, girls and women are free to cry in many settings with far less loss of reputation (3).

Aversion to homosexuality is another pillar of toxic, or euphemistically, traditional, masculinity. The kiss cam at most major sporting events is a nice example. It’s been a staple of most professional sports leagues since 1980 and not infrequently has made a joke of featuring two men as a surefire way to get a laugh from the crowd (4). Interestingly, aversion to homosexuality largely applies to sex or romance between two men, but not with two women. When it’s two women, it becomes almost encouraged, though it’s generally limited to a purely physical setting in a way that is, yet again, diminishing of emotional displays or feelings.

The negative correlation between risk-taking and well-being seems more obvious. Take enough risks, or big enough ones, and you’ll come across a bad outcome eventually. However, when you relate the upside of risk with emphasis that is placed on power and winning, we can see how instrumental risk-taking can be in maintaining a man’s sense of well-being — when it pays off. Such an intense focus on winning can have detrimental effects on one’s psyche when confronted with loss, especially with the dual constraint of being socially not allowed to express sadness, only anger (5). We’ve seen over and over, in this country in particular, how often a mass shooter’s motive has been discovered to be a feeling of deserving something (a win, if you will) and not getting it (a loss).

The last two tenets, aggression and striving for power and status, are frequently intertwined. Men who have internalized the power norm may be more likely to take risky and extreme measures (e.g., perpetration of violence) to establish dominance and might seek more risky opportunities to assert their masculinity (3). As with many bullying behaviors, violence is often directed at those deemed least able to fight back, and who does toxic masculinity teach us are weak? Women, of course. And yet, male dominance is so deeply, profoundly ingrained in our society that “what did she do to deserve it?” is often heard before or even in lieu of the condemnation of the violent act. Toxic masculinity upholds the male privilege of being implicitly assumed to be in the right in the face of conflict with a women.

This storyline is played out every day in every city across the United States, reinforced even by our own justice system, and it is not justice. It is not justice for women, whose safety is taken away, or for men, whose humanity is taken away. If we want to see justice in the world, we start with abandoning these archaic and harmful traditions in ourselves. It has to be a collective effort; hiding behind “not all men” does nothing but diminish the responsibility and distance ourselves from it. We need to follow the example set by women in dispelling the toxic femininity around body image and the way it is used to control women and girls (5). Toxic masculinity has been reinforced for centuries, but it doesn’t have to take as long for us to unravel it. My vision of justice is for my grandchildren to read “be a man” someday in an old book and ask, “what does that mean?”

[1] Kupers, T. A. (2005). Toxic masculinity as a barrier to mental health treatment in prison. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 61(6), 713–724. doi:10.1002/jclp.20105

[2] Kaya, A., Iwamoto, D. K., Brady, J., Clinton, L., & Grivel, M. (2019). The role of masculine norms and gender role conflict on prospective well-being among men. Psychology of Men & Masculinities, 20(1), 142–147.

[3] Vitelli, R. (2014). The everything guide to overcoming PTSD: Simple, effective techniques for healing and recovery. Retrieved June 2, 2019, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/media-spotlight/201311/crying-shame

[4] Couch, R. (2017, April 01). How an arena responded to the NHL’s first gay kiss on the jumbo screen. Retrieved June 2, 2019, from https://www.upworthy.com/how-an-arena-responded-to-the-nhls-first-gay-kiss-on-the-jumbo-screen

[5] Miller, B. (2019, February 07). Want to End Mass Shootings? Start With Toxic Masculinity. Retrieved June 2, 2019, from https://sojo.net/articles/want-end-mass-shootings-start-toxic-masculinity