How to Make the Grammys Better
The Grammys are fun but also boring, if that makes sense. They’re a lot more fun than the Oscars but the stakes to win don’t feel as high as their film counterpart. The Oscars are boring and stuffy, but there’s usually a sense of mystery around who’s going to take home the statue. Anyone with any semblance of a functioning body could’ve told you Bruno Mars was winning everything. The Grammys are fine, but how can we make it better?
Make Rap More Visible
Rap music is infinitely more interesting than any music out today. The personalities are colorful and there’s a legitimate culture shift going on within hip-hop that makes it interesting to watch. Seeing Kendrick Lamar rap ferociously while his backup dancers do their routine with crisp perfection was a lot more fun than watching Sting. The Grammys should do whatever they can to become more rap friendly. Sure, you lose the MAGA demographic, but they were waiting for the Country Music Awards anyway.
Get a Better Host
James Corden is okay. But Dave Chappelle would’ve been a dream come true last night. But here’s a better idea; get Shaq and Kenny and the NBA on TNT crew and let them host the show. I want their commentary on everything and giving them an awards show about music they probably haven’t heard 90% of sounds like a dream.
Let Shaq and Charles Barkley Vote
The best way to insure that the right person wins is to let two guys who will argue for 15 minutes on how to pronounce SZA vote for all the music. Let them listen to the nominees for 20 minutes a piece and then cast their vote. But when they vote, it has to be live. I want the dramatic tension. I need to see Lorde and Bruno Mars shuffle nervously while Shaq and Barkley roast them to oblivion and then vote for someone not even nominated. And if you weren’t nominated and they decide you win, then you’re now the Grammy winner.
Retro Awards
This could get a little tricky, but I think there should be a category for songs that are 20+ years old. Gather up the 5 best albums from 1998 as voted by whoever the old guys are that do nominations and let the NBA on TNT crew vote for them. The retro albums of the year would go:
— The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill: Lauryn Hill
— Aquemini: Outkast
— Americana: The Offspring
— Devil Without a Cause: Kid Rock
— 400 Degreez: Juvenile
Rob Zombie gets infamously shut out in this category for Juvenile, who made one of the biggest goddamn hits in the past century. Anybody from this list could win, but I want Shaq to tell me who he thinks should win. This also gives the Grammys a chance to make things right and correct their mistakes from the past.
Create Storylines
Like WWE, the Grammys would be great if they had storylines. The winners shouldn’t be scripted, but the red carpet should be about villains, rivalries, and heel turns. Imagine Lady Gaga turning heel and calling out Lorde. Or having Bruno Mars take his glasses off and tell the camera that country music is dead. Imagine the articles! Imagine the Twitter conversations!
Let Ties Be Allowed and Have The Winners Battle On Stage
Imagine a classical music battle in the form of 8 Mile. Or having Chris Stapleton and Little Big Town going head to head. And the crowd would have to vote based on their cheers. And Mekhi Phifer gets to host the battle for the coveted Grammy. And the loser has to get on the mic and say “And your winner is…”
BONUS SUGGESTION
Figure out what the fuck Best New Artist is because Alessia Cara was dropping albums during the Obama years. And stop asking U2 to perform.
