Let’s Put Eminem in Other Movies
It’s Eminem Week on radorbad.net!
If you’re like the rest of the world and have seen 8 Mile, then you’d know Eminem is a dope actor in addition to a dope rapper. Who knew he’d be really good at playing a rapping version of himself?
But what if we put him in other movies? And it wouldn’t be limited to any genre. What kind of movie would, say, Superbad become if Eminem played Seth instead of Jonah Hill? Does it become funnier? Weirder? Does it become a drama?
That’s what we’re going to try and find out today.
Dear John
You’ve seen the movie. Channing Tatum is a war torn veteran, John, who has a lot of bad luck and an affinity for coins and Amanda Seyfried, who plays Savannah. But what if Eminem played John? And he was the one who loved coins and Amanda Seyfried?
The plot: John is a war hero, who drives a custom Call of Duty jeep and drinks Monster Energy. When Savannah drops her purse in the ocean, John laughs at her and makes up a rap about her purse in the ocean (“Purse in the ocean is floatin’ and gloatin’ while the boat is open”), which impresses Savannah.
They fall in love, and he gets called back into duty. When he come back, he sees Savannah married her best friend, Tim, who now has cancer. His dad is also dying. And in the scene where he reads his letter to his dad, it’s a rap he wrote (“you’re almost dead in a hospital bed with pencil lead that led you to the dead”)
John beats the breaks off of Tim and then holds Savannah hostage, which then turns into a real “Kim” situation. The movie ends with him burying Savannah and driving into the night.
50 First Dates
Instead of Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore, we now have Eminem and Drew Barrymore as Henry and Lucy.
The Plot: Henry meets the girl of his dreams, Lucy. But there’s an obstacle: She loses her memory every day. Uh oh How is Henry supposed to fall in love and marry this girl if she can’t remember anything from the day before?
He uses her to rob liquor stores and banks. And they repeat it every day because she can’t remember what she did the day before. But during one of the robberies, she gets whacked in the head, knocking her out cold. When she comes to, she suddenly remembers everything.
So now Henry has a new problem: How does he make the girl he used for robbery and murder fall in love with him? I smell SEQUEL!
Titanic
Eminem is Jack Dawson, and Kate Winslet is Rose DeWhitt.
The plot: Jack Dawson is a poor rapper boarding the Titanic. When he gets aboard, he meets Rose, a wealthy white woman with real problems. He figures out the ultimate scam: Trick her into thinking he’s rich and get her to fall in love so he doesn’t have to keep drawing stick figures of one legged prostitutes.
The ship, inevitably, hits an iceberg, causing it to sink. He saves Rose from the ship, but then when they’re in the water he finds out a secret: She’s in massive debt and going to lose all her money. Jack kicks her off the door and takes it and paddles away to find a lifeboat.
Do these movies become better? Uh, DUH. Titanic alone would sweep the Oscars. Let this be a lesson to everyone: Put Eminem in EVERYTHING.
