Ranking Frozen Pizza

Life has 3 guarantees: death, taxes, and at some point in your existence you will eat a frozen pizza. It took my grandma 76 years, but she finally ate her first ever slice of frozen pizza. She thought it was just okay, but that’s because she hadn’t been raised like millennial's were on the easy and tasty frozen meal. But which frozen pizza is the best? I assume our generation is a bunch of frozen pizza connoisseurs, so this felt like a worthwhile endeavor.

We’ll rank them by tiers:

Not So Good, But Still Edible

— Tony’s

— Tombstone

— Store Brand Pizza

— Freschetta

Tombstone is way too popular of a pizza to taste so…meh. And I understand people have a certain connection with Tony’s but I’m here to break the harsh truth that it is the weakest of the frozen pizza’s. But even the weakest frozen pizza is still insanely eatable.

Overrated, But I’ll Still Eat 6 Slices

— Totino’s

— Red Baron

— California Pizza Kitchen

— DiGiorno Rising Crust

DiGiorno thinks people will mistake their pizza for delivery. After doing research and eating dozens of DiGiorno, I have concluded that the only way you can mistake it for delivery is if you have never eaten pizza before. One thing I will give to the brand is that they are just as good as the major pizza chains whose soulless pizza’s make you feel like you need a shower afterword.

California Pizza Kitchen is very OKAY. “That’s all I have to say about that” — Forrest Gump — Michael Scott

God Tier

— DiGiorno Stuffed Crust

— Jack’s

— Deli Pizza

Have you had frozen pizza from the deli section at Wal-Mart?? It’s delicious, it’s legitimately the closest you can get to restaurant pizza.

Jack’s is the biggest overachiever on the list. Some people don’t like the thinness of it, or the occasional floppiness (user error more than anything), but their pepperoni pizza’s are the closest thing to crack I’m pretty sure you can get. I have never done crack, so I wouldn’t know. But if crack tastes like Jack’s pizza, then I will gladly turn into Chris Rock in New Jack City.

But the best pizza, and the most expensive, is DiGiorno’s stuffed crust pizza. Whether you’re stoned or sober, those pizza’s slap your tastebuds just right. Stuffed crust pizza is one of man’s greatest inventions, and I’m pretty sure Pizza Hut created it. Thank you, Pizza Hut for your contributions to pizza culture.