‘The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’ Power Rankings
I’m extremely late finishing the first season of The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, but new episodes are returning in less than a month so Greendale’s favorite witch is still relevant! The deal with my power rankings are always the same: they can include ANYTHING. Nothing is off the tables when it comes to ranking the strongest pieces of the show for this season. Let’s get to it.
- Prudence
At first, I thought Prudence was kind of a trash character, not someone I wanted to spend much time being invested in. But, as the show went on, I found myself actively in her corner. She was fierce and cutthroat, willing to bend the rules and her morals to achieve her goal; but in the end she was firmly in the camp of good. She went from being your typical bully to the daughter of a High Priest, she attempted to save the life of the woman who set forward a plan to murder her, and she orchestrated her own orgy before being cannibalized. I’m all in on Prudence.
2. Aunt Zelda/Aunt Hilda
The best relationship on the show was between two people who can’t stand each other. Zelda has murdered Hilda so many times, it’s as common as putting ketchup on fries at this point. Hilda is a sweet woman who is ex-communicated, bored, and possesses the biggest heart of anyone on the show. They are polar opposites of each other, but Zelda gets results and is always there to clean up the mess and Hilda is there to make Sabrina feel better about the mess.
3. Atmosphere
The Halloween atmosphere of the show is great. The retro aesthetic is pleasing. The blurry effect is bad, but that doesn’t hamper what a great setting this show has. My only suggestion? MORE NEON. MORE SHOTS OF THE TOWN.
4. Satan
Satan and Satanic imagery was key to Sabrina feeling spooky and providing the characters a never ending fall vibe. It’s like a creepy Halloweentown which means every white girl with a pumpkin spice latte and an Instagram will want to move there ASAP. Shit, I want to move there ASAP. The Satanic themes weren’t all perfect, however. Lines like “Thank Satan you’re okay” were a little LAAAAAAAAAAAAME.
5. Sabrina’s white hair
YES.
6. Batibat
Batibat is a lot scarier in theory. She’s a nightmare demon who preys on your worst fears to get what she wants. She’ll also kill you in a heartbeat and features a grotesque and disfigured face. Scary, right? Unfortunately, her voice exists and it makes her sound like a talking head on CNN or an Instagram Live streamer. Why they didn’t distort her vocals is beyond me.
7. Witches
This is a good time for witch media. You have the acclaimed The Witch (don’t ever spell this, The VVitch) the Fantastic Beasts series, and now a dark reboot of a beloved 90s sitcom. I’m all in on witches becoming the next big horror movie boom. GIVE ME A REMAKE OF THE CRAFT.
8. Ambrose and Luke
They are my favorite couple on the show, and I fully 100% think they need to be a bigger part of the next round of episodes. Sure, they’re together because Luke is under a spell, but fuck it, they belong together.
9. The Opening Credits
I could watch them allllllllll day.
10. Madame Satan
She is clearly and obviously evil and how Sabrina doesn’t see that is why she doesn’t get to be ranked. Madame Satan at no point has seemed trustworthy and a witch whose whole MO is about asking the tough questions and getting to the bottom of things is somehow oblivious to this evil woman. I fuck with her though, I like the cut of her jib.
NOT RANKED
— Sabrina
Terrible decision making, is being obviously manipulated, and has a tendency to make things worse. I love the character, but she really needs to ramp it up next month.
— The Mortals
I’m in the minority of liking the mortals, but I don’t like the idea that they’re all getting powers. It makes me fear for an Avengers type situation
— Father Blackwater
Scary at first, then took a hard left turn into being BOOOOOOOOORING.
— Sabrina’s love triangle
PICK NICK, END THIS MADNESS NOW.
