Things That Happened When I Listened to the New Cardi B Album
Cardi B is a perfect rapper, personality, and performer. That isn’t an opinion, it’s a fact. She’s the best female rapper we’ve seen since Nicki Minaj and she’ll likely find a cozy spot among the biggest rappers in the game for the foreseeable future. She’s a fun rapper who gives you super powers when you listen to her. Here are a list of things I did while I listened to Cardi B’s album, Invasion of Privacy. *disclaimer, some things may be slightly exaggerated*
Vacuuming the floor
I started my day out vacuuming the carpet, a task I’ve been putting off for the past week or two. Maybe three. But I put in my headphones and loaded up Cardi, starting with “Bodak Yellow” and the next thing I know I was vacuuming the ceiling. I had vacuumed the carpet in record time and subconsciously told myself I had to vacuum the entire house. So I ended up on the ceiling, in the baby’s crib, my neighbor’s house, and the street I lived on. And when someone pulled over and asked why I was vacuuming the blacktop I told that mother fucker he was a pussy and a rat, like Tom and Jerry. And then I vacuumed his shirt.
Taking out the trash
As I was throwing away my cup of Hi-C, I noticed the trash was more than full. I hate taking out the trash but I knew if I didn’t do it, the wife would come home and put me in the bag and leave me out on the driveway for the garbage man. So I loaded up the album and threw on “Bartier Cardi” and took out the trash. As I was out there, my neighbors came home. I waved at them and they didn’t wave back. As Cardi said “I’m from the mother fucking Bronx, I keep the pump in the trunk” I decided these mother fuckers were gonna wave back. I went to the store and bought extra flexible Glad bags and wrapped their entire house up in it. When the garbage man pulled up, he told me he couldn’t take a whole ass house to the landfill, so I strapped their house to the top of my car and drove it out there myself. I watched it be compacted into a cube and left it in their empty plot as a gift. Cardi might put the pussy on Offset, but I put houses in the landfill.
Doing the laundry
As I was looking at the mountain of laundry I had to do, I knew I needed something to give me an extra boost. So I put on “Money Bag” and got to work. I blinked and the next thing I knew I had my childhood nemesis, Kyle, in there. He was understandably confused as to why he was inside of my washing machine, but I shot him the finger pistols and told him “don’t be talkin’ sideways.” So I put the washer on full blast and watched him spin right round faster than Flo Rida while I’ll ate cereal with a spoonful of bleach. Then I threw him in the dryer with all the dirty money I don’t remember having. After the cycle was done I walked Kyle to the porch and told him to get 5 racks by 4 PM or we’ll head to the laundromat next.
I should mention that the neighborhood threw a big ruckus about all of this and now I have to relocate. Thankfully I have a fire ass album to listen to while I pack up all my boxes.
