Twilight — 10 Years Later
Let’s jump back to 2008, when Twilight hit theaters, creating a sizzling but fleeting footprint in pop culture history.
*time machine noises*
Okay, so we’re here in 2008, let’s see what’s happening in the world:
— Barack Obama is about to become president (I’m just gonna stay here for a while)
— Kevin Rudolf and Lil Wayne have let it rock all summer
— The Dark Knight came out in July, collectively blowing minds all over
— The housing market has crashed, sending us into a recession
— Miley Cyrus is beefing with Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato over a YouTube video
2008 was a great year, I wanna stay here forever.
Anyway, back on topic: Twilight. I’m going to break up my rewatch into 4 categories, because who wants to read a long and winding review about an obviously bad movie?
High Point/Low Point
Hight Point: The baseball scene, when Anna Kendrick is giving Bella the rundown of the Cullen’s, when Edward has to suck the venom out of Bella’s wrist
I couldn’t pick the whole movie because that’d be cheating, but these were the undisputed high points. The baseball scene holds up the best because it is funny and ridiculous, and when you add the Muse song, “Supermassive Black Hole,” you’re just asking for a classic scene that could stand up to any scene from The Godfather, Scarface, and Pulp Fiction.
I’m particularly fond of Anna Kendrick describing the Cullen’s because I’m a sucker for introduction scenes. And when Edward overhears her describing how nobody at Forks high school is good enough, he flashes that panty dropper of a smile. I’d watch a whole 2 hour movie of Anna Kendrick introducing characters
Low Point: The whole “Say it out loud” sequence. Just shitty all the way around. And also the fact that this entire relationship is manipulative and abusive. This movie would never ever be made today. All the parties who okayed this relationship should be ashamed. Also, the Hot Topic frenzy that surrounded this movie afterwards. Yuck.
Ethan Hawke Award
The Ethan Hawke Award is an award given to whichever actor was a compulsively watchable scene stealer. Have you ever seen Ethan Hawke in a movie? It’s impossible to take your eyes off of him. But the winner here:
Robert Pattinson.
It should be stated that Peter Facinelli, who plays Carlisle Cullen, is a 100% Ethan Hawker. He’s a scene stealer from the depths of hell, but it’s nearly impossible to overcome Robert Pattinson’s sweet ass eyes. It also helps R Patz’s case that he shared most of his scenes with human cardboard cutout Kristen Stewart (disclaimer: I am a Kristen Stewart defender. She was great with what she was given.)
Let’s Reboot It
*For this category we can reboot the movie using ANY actor from ANY year, but I’m only hitting the main ones*
Edward Cullen: 1990 River Phoenix. I’m sweating bullets just thinking about it.
Bella Swan: 1989 Winona Ryder. Give me Heathers era Winona Ryder all day and twice on Sunday.
Jacob Black: Taylor Lautner. He was perfect for the role, I’d choose nobody else.
Charlie Swan: 1997 Billy Zane
James: 1989 Brad Pitt
Victoria: 1998 Rebecca Gayheart. She should be more famous.
Laurent: 2018 Daniel Kaluuya
Carlisle Cullen: 1999 Jude Law
I have just created a surefire $500 million movie, GET SUMMIT ON THE PHONE!
Does The Movie Hold Up?
From a nostalgia perspective: Yes.
From a 2018 perspective: No.
The movie’s sexual politics are very bad and dated. Edward was the equivalent to a boyfriend who goes through your phone and deletes all of your guy friends, including your dad. Bella was young and impressionable, and Edward was old as shit and had relationship views that were still stuck in 1907. Carlisle should’ve left his ass dying on that hospital bed.
Final Verdict: RAD but a lot closer to BAD than it should’ve been
