Who Has the Best Pizza?

Pizza is God’s gift to the world. If Prometheus stole fire from the Gods, then Pizzatheus stole pizza from the nectar of Mozzarellus and delivered it to the planet so mortal humans may experience what true happiness is.

Even bad pizza is good, and pizza is a very lucrative business. Let’s jump into which pizza places slap those taste buds and which pizza places would rather take a giant shit in your mouth.

Meh

• Fazoli’s — 5/10
• Donato’s — 5/10
• Jet Pizza — 5/10
• Godfather’s Pizza — 5.5/10
• Hunt Brother’s — 5.5/10
• Little Caesar’s — 5.5/10
• Marco’s Pizza — 5.5/10

Little Caesar’s is not bad pizza! It’s just not very exciting. Whenever you go to a child’s birthday party and see 8 boxes of Little Caesar’s, a wave of disappointment swarms over your soul followed by a tidal wave of “I guess I’ll eat 5 slices.”

Fazoli’s suffers from my Nostalgia Glasses. When I was a small child, I would eat Fazoli’s all the time and their pizza was top notch. Eating as an adult though? It’s by far the worst of the popular American pizza chains. It tastes like school pizza except you’re paying premium prices for it. It’s a rip-off! It’s a bamboozle, a hustle!

Jet Pizza is by far the most disappointing. It’s just a glorified Little Caesar’s.

Okay

• Papa John’s — 6/10
• Dominos — 6/10
• Mellow Mushroom — 6.5/10
• Chuck E. Cheese — 6.5/10

I still firmly believe Chuck E. Cheese re-uses their pizza despite mountains of evidence that they don’t.

Papa John’s only got in here because I don’t hate their pizza. The cheese is plastic and there is no personality but if you show up to a function and they have Papa John’s, you’ll find yourself silently whispering, “yes!” to yourself.

Domino’s…yeah.

“Ooooh, Baby I Love Your Pizza” — Peter Frampton

• Cici’s Pizza — 7/10
• Mario’s — 7/10
• California Pizza Kitchen — 7.5/10
• Bobby G’s — 7.5/10
• Sbarro — 7.5/10
• Bearno’s — 7.5/10
• Old Chicago — 8/10
• Hamilton Avenue Pizza — 8/10

Hamilton Avenue Pizza? Tucked deep in the corners of Kentucky exists a flea market where you can buy odds and ends. Deep in the heart of the flea market exists a pizza joint where these fine people make VERY GOOD pizza. If you find yourself in Lancaster, Kentucky, eat there ASAP.

The rest of these are pretty explainable, they’re fucking delicious.

“Gimme More, Gimme Gimme More Pizza” — Britney Spears

• Old Chicago — 8.5/10
• Pizza Hut — 8.5/10
• Giovanni’s Pizza — 9/10
• Apollo — 9/10

Yeah, I love Pizza Hut, sue me. Pizza Hut created stuffed crust and you are high on morphine if you think they don’t reach elite status based on that alone. Or maybe they popularized it? Oh, well. Pizza Hut for life!

GOD PIZZA

• Savage Pizza — 9.5/10
• PapaLeno’s — 10/10

There only exists one perfect pizza place, and that’s PapaLeno’s in Berea, KY. Do everything in your power and your life to eat this delicious pizza. They have the perfect cheese, amount of sauce, and crust density.

Savage Pizza in Atlanta not only sports the coolest restaurant on the list, but their pizza will make you want to quit pizza because you’ve found the holy grail. It doesn’t matter what kind of pizza you get, as soon as you eat it, their pizza is high fiving and fist bumping your taste buds. If your taste buds are bouncers to Club Stomach, then Savage Pizza is on the lifetime list, skip all the lines.