My journey with grief
Since the beginning of 2020, we have experienced massive, collective grief across the world — with so much loss as a result of the Covid-19 pandemic, racialized violence, transphobia, armed conflict, and the stark decline of our natural environments due to the climate crisis.
Grief is defined as mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret or a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.
In predominantly western societies, I believe we have lost our connection to grief. We all experience and feel it, but we don’t acknowledge or tend to it. Grief is the proverbial elephant in the room.
I have experienced loss, grief, and sorrow this year that is unparalleled to any I had felt before.
Losing my father…
In April 2020, my father suddenly passed away due to liver and heart complications.
I firmly believe his history of substance misuse, trauma, stress, and relative poverty contributed to his death. He and I had a complicated relationship. There was love, but also estrangement. This has made my grief even more complex.
After his death, I shut down. I could not function.
I felt trapped in Germany because the pandemic had closed in around us and my father was in Canada. Due to lockdowns, my usual coping mechanisms had disappeared overnight. My partner built a blanket fort — a dark cozy den in our living room — full of blankets and pillows, the Nintendo switch; with close physical touch, and food deliveries on the regular.
This became my safe space. I rarely left the fort. The outside world was too scary.
Processing grief
I had recently begun the transition into freelance work, beginning to build a counseling practice. But suddenly all of my “work” stopped. I felt guilty because I couldn’t work. I felt guilty because I was not contributing to the income of the household. I felt guilty because I felt dependent on my partner.
I often questioned:
- How can I work right now?
- How can I support others in crisis when my life was upside down?
- Why can’t I just be ok and move on?
- What does being productive even mean?
Much of the guilt I was experiencing was related to my productivity and how closely connected our notions of productivity are to our income, or how much we contribute to a society built on capitalism.
This capitalist guilt led to me redefining my notions of productivity. Some days, my productivity was having a shower, giving my body nutrition and movement, having clean clothes, connecting with something that brings me joy, or tending to my plants.
Then, in September, just as I was starting to feel traction again, my grandma passed away.
Losing my grandma & my mother’s declining health…
My grandma was my rock. She is the foundation for who I am today.
She was the person I could always count on for unconditional love and support. I have never experienced pain and sorrow this extreme. I felt physical pain in my heart for a long time; some days I still do. The blanket fort was rapidly rebuilt, and back in I went.
In October, my mother’s health rapidly declined due to diabetic complications compounded by her own trauma, stress, and grief. My brother and I were suddenly having to make life and death decisions for our mom.
Within hours of my brother calling me in the middle of the night, I was on a flight to Canada. I got on the plane thinking my mother was dead. My mom and I have always had a complicated relationship. Thankfully, at this point in the pandemic, I was still able to enter Canada. But international travel was daunting and terrifying.
This culminated in an unexpected six months living in three different homes, in two different cities, during a pandemic, while my mother’s health slowly stabilized.
My chosen family and support system
I have immense gratitude to my chosen families who caught and held me during one of the most difficult times in my life. I would not be where I am today without them. I was fed, sheltered, and clothed by those around me. I was held in safe spaces where my grief was seen, heard, held, and acknowledged. I was able to openly feel and experience a wide range of emotions ranging from deep and intense sorrow, anger, but also joy and beauty!
My chosen families showered my sorrow with love and care and celebrated my joy. They supported me in different grief rituals and we modelled experiencing and holding grief to younger generations. This has instilled in me a deep sense of gratitude, appreciation, and unconditional chosen love. During this time I did not work for the capitalist system. My work, my productivity, was managing my family’s crisis and giving myself care to the best of my ability.
Going through my grief work
My grief work has been the hardest work I have ever done. The capitalist system does not allow or acknowledge this work!
Bereavement leave is generally not protected. If it is, it is limited to 2–5 days. In some companies, upwards of 12 weeks unpaid level may be offered.
I have previously worked in hospitals and mental health organizations where the norm was two days of bereavement — no wonder there is so much burnout! If I was to have worked in a “traditional” environment, this would not have accommodated my needs. I may have faced the choice of quitting my job or suffering through.
Working with DMC (Dr. Mega Consulting) and a team who understands this has been critical in my wellbeing and grief work! I am able to simply tell my team that I am having a grief day and all expectations of my “productivity” for that day are let go.
We believe that seeing and honoring mental health strengthens our team and allows us to bring all of ourselves to work, even the messy bits. This in turn strengthens what we offer the world. I have been privileged to have the space and means to do my grief work, which in turn has given me more agency to interact with the world and the capitalist system.
In-between grief and gratitude
Grief work reshapes us in fundamental ways and we learn to live in balance between grief and gratitude.
When we don’t do grief work it turns into a festered wound and poison. Grief is a mind, body, and soul experience and we cannot separate its parts. Grief offers us a way to respond to situations. It moves us in the direction of contact, towards helping hands, and the embraces of others. We need grief to heal trauma and make sense of the world. Grief asks us to honor what we have lost and deepen our capacity for compassion.
I chose to share this story with you to highlight the importance of creating space for grief while navigating the capitalist system and humanizing expansive experiences of grief.
When we actively care for grief, it is no longer the elephant in the room.
This care translates into folx feeling a greater sense of belonging within their teams and organizations. When organizations place emphasis on truly caring for their employees, trust, belonging, and inclusion are fostered.
If you are looking for ways to care for grief in your organizations, subscribe to our newsletter to be notified when we publish our Co-Creating Empathetic Bereavement Guidelines resource.
If you would like additional support in creating Bereavement Guidelines that foster belonging, schedule a call with Dr. Mega Consulting to see how we can co-create these together.
