“Smile, Damn It!”
Honing My Personal Power, And Ignoring Social Contracts
“Smile, Damn it!”
The words jaggedly spewed from his mouth, aggressively scurried across the floor, ripped shreds into my desk, and without consent; climbed up my body to assault my ears, my peace, and my character.
I was tired.
But, I was present. I had become accustomed to putting on armor before going into work. But I admit, that the once silver and gold inlaid suit I would put on to protect myself, was beginning to tarnish. Instead of a rich silver, the color was becoming more muted. Pewter in semblance.
"Smile, Damn it!"
Was his response to me after uttering a good morning and reminding him about the fresh coffee I had made for our office. From across the room where he stood, perhaps he couldn't see my desperate grin. Evidently, it wasn't enough. I had already been to the ER twice since beginning the job. On both occurrences suffering from "stress" related stomach issues. I remember telling the ER team over and over again that, "I understood, but I still needed to get back to work!"
"Smile, Damn it!" Echoed like a threat every time someone would come into our office. I had to wear the mask so that they didn't know how I was being treated. How most of us were being treated. I had to be quiet. I had to be reserved. I had to be perfectly palatable.
But I was there.
I had already endured so much while working in that position. But it was something about that day.
It was something about the way he said it.
The way it rang in my ears and made my heart and soul cry.
After getting kicked out of the second daycare for my son I'm not being able to be picked up on time, since I couldn't get off on time, I said no more. I left that position. I learned a lot at that time in my life. But I didn't learn from being taught and cultivated.
No, I learned from being verbally mentally, and emotionally punched in the face so many times, that I learned to duck to avoid the blow.
The social contract that many young girls are forced to sign and comply with, implies we are never to show that we are disappointed, angry, unsure of ourselves and others, and definitely not, selfish. Sit pretty, suck in your stomach and sit up straight, Don't interrupt a man while he is speaking, and smile.
Fast forward, past active inner healing, self-acceptance and the learning of healthy boundaries...
Smack dab in the middle of a pandemic I find myself confronted with a similar type of social pressure. Although you will find people on both sides of this argument, data suggests that wearing a mask that covers your nose and mouth can help slow the spread of COVID 19.
But something quite different is happening to me. There is something different in the way that I approach the mandate of wearing a mask. It surprises me. And, I admitted somewhat of a guilty pleasure.
I enjoy wearing my mask out in public.
My mask has a ventilation hole and is relatively comfortable. But that's not what I'm enjoying about it. I'm enjoying, not being told to smile. I'm enjoying being able to walk about with my face at rest. It is my choice when engaging in conversation while wearing the mask, to smile or not. It is my choice. As a woman of color, the connotation to wearing a mask has multiple implications. One of which, comes with not adhering to the unspoken and seldom we talked about social pressure to put others — at ease.
Paul Lawrence Dunbar, is a poet from the 1870's. He is one of the first African-American poets to gain national recognition. He speaks about the mask that African Americans wear. The smile that hides our pains.
We Wear the Mask
We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile
And mouth with myriad subtleties,
Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.
We smile, but oh great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile,
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!
There's so much to unpack there. This poem really resonated with me when I first came across it years ago. The physical mask that covers our nose and mouths during his pandemic, The same mask that I can take off when I want to. Is the same mask that gives me freedom to not have to wear the mask of the social contract. I am free to be. I am free to laugh and smile as I choose. I am free to be at rest. I am free to frown at my displeasures and hurt as black and brown people are murdered in my country.
I can smile, if I choose.
