A Look Into Friendship, Loneliness, and ADHD
Inever had a hard time making friends. I’ve always been surrounded by them and invited to things, or welcomed by others to be around. I love people, I love to be around them and be a part of things — provided I get time to recharge. But, I have to admit it, I’ve had a harder time maintaining friendships long-term, and in many places.
Some could put this down to my moving around frequently (I’ve emigrated twice and moved cities five times), but with the internet, there are always ways to maintain some sort of connection with others. However, looking at my track record, many of these I ended on my own accord — sometimes I felt in the right, and at other times, not so much.
Today’s topic is a tricky one and a sensitive one for many. With my generation (millennials) experiencing loneliness up to 51%, and Generation Z hitting 54%, I know I am not alone in my loneliness at the present time. These reasons are more complex than just ADHD of course.
But this is an ADHD blog, so it begs the question; does ADHD cause more loneliness and does a trail of broken friendships seem more likely? Do we have a harder time keeping friends? Do we tend to feel lonelier than our neurotypical counterparts? Or is this just a byproduct of the digital age of pseudo-connection that we live in today?
RSD and its connection to social isolation and exclusion
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is described as ‘intense emotional pain felt in response to being teased, criticised, or rejected’ and is often an associated symptom of ADHD. It can be difficult to manage emotions and control feelings when they come as intensely and reactively to social situations and general experiences throughout life.
“The link is believed to stem from the differences in brain functioning for patients with ADHD. The idea is that those negative effects associated with rejection or even perceived rejection are not easily processed by the brain, resulting in an intense nervous system response.”
- Matt Eckhardt, MSW, LCSW
You can see how this could make social interactions more difficult and confusing as a child or adult with ADHD.
Let’s say we have a friendship group, or a close friend, and a joke is made about the ADHDer — this could cause them to take it out of context or misunderstand the intentions behind it, triggering RSD. Though the friends may not have meant it that way, the ADHDer has already heightened anxiety and insecurity about the matter; appearing over-sensitive in the social group and therefore isolating themselves from the rest of the group. This could be after that moment, or over time.
So we have a dilemma here. We are still people, participating in the world, navigating its intricate and complex ways with other relationships. We cannot expect special treatment or more leeway all the time. Or can we?
We still need to tolerate others, just as we expect them to tolerate us. But it’s hard sometimes when our brains don’t always work the same as theirs — we struggle with healthy regulation of emotions, knee-jerk reactions, black-and-white thinking, overstimulation, and bad memory. This makes it hard to meet in the middle at times, and it makes it harder for others to understand us.
Are we left out more, or targeted when in groups?
I certainly felt that way at times, and all my other neurodiverse friends have often had the same experiences in groups. It’s as if we stick out, appearing slightly odd, strange, or immature. It can make fitting in feel hurtful and difficult at times. And sometimes, we might not see the truth — we might have a different picture of reality based on our own emotions, our triggered RSD, and therefore our emotional dysregulation.
It can often feel like a tightrope between what is objectively true to us and to others.
Friendship is about forgiveness
It’s hard to pour out my own experience with this for many reasons, but I wouldn’t be a writer if I didn’t write about my own vulnerability and truth. I’ve never been much of a trusting friend, and that’s because I suffer from acute paranoia and anxiety. Have I been a good friend? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Have I been a loyal friend? Again, the same answer applies. Have I been forgiving? I have a hard time with this one.
I once heard a poet quote ‘Friendship is more so about forgiveness than anything else’ and it stuck with me for that very reason. When I heard it, I was alone, driving a van I lived in around South Australia amid the pandemic, with no one to really confide in.
It was, ironically, one of the loneliest times of my life. It was a hard listen, and a hard learn — but it brought me to the realisation that I was not such a forgiving person myself. In some ways, I was too quick to drop someone if I had felt betrayed by them too many times. I’d remember the bad stuff too much, feel intensely hurt about what they did or said, and the very fact of the matter caused resentment to build.
In short, it’s important that we learn to forgive for the sake of our well-being — and to combat loneliness.
Keeping distance: Choosing to be alone
When I was young, I vividly remember choosing to spend time alone in the playground, entrenched in my imagination, playing a game with my hands, snapshotting my surroundings, and putting them in an imaginary book in my pocket. I’d get invited to play with other children in the classroom, but I enjoyed playing alone so much, I did it out of choice. A memory I’ve found interesting to this day. Could this have been a sign of my neurodivergence back then?
Some studies conducted on children within social settings have suggested that they can feel lonelier than their neurotypical counterparts. However, not enough adequate research has been conducted to prove this is the case — so take it with a pinch of salt.
Many of us need the time to recharge and choose to be alone. Given the nature of our symptoms, this makes perfect sense. But it’s not healthy long term, and eventually, we can become isolated and suffer from extreme loneliness. So it’s important to find the time and energy to meet people, make friends, and maintain friendships over the long term.
Suggestions and solutions, from now onwards
I’m still learning to navigate forgiveness, friendship, and my ADHD into my thirties, so bear with me. I guess, judging by recent statistics, we are all trying to combat loneliness and maintain friendships in this day and age.
Here’s some tips I recommend for maintaining friendships-
- Working on ways to emotionally regulate
- Managing intense feelings through journaling and therapy (if accessible)
- Meditation and times of reflection for emotional strength
- Practice forgiveness, of the self and others
- Trust exercises with existing friends or partners
- Educating friends and family on ADHD to create deeper connection and understanding for all
Here are some tips to combat loneliness-
- Contact old friends, try and get together if possible
- Go to a local coffee or grocery shop regularly, talk to locals
- Join local groups on Facebook, or via flyers in the area
- Become part of a community; online or in person
- Make friends of mutual friends
- Befriend coworkers (some say this is a bad idea, but I’ve made great friends through work and still keep in touch to this day — trust your gut on this one)
- Have a hobby? Get involved in something and meet people with the same interests! This could be music, art, writing, drama, gaming, film, crafts, gardening, etc.
- Join an ADHD group — there are tons of us out there!
I think we can be great fun in social settings and around people, and with a little guidance and understanding in the world; we can maintain and nurture friendships long term — with ourselves and others. Once we feel safe enough, opening up and being ourselves around friends is a wonderful thing.
Thanks for reading as always, friends.
Sources
Why Are Millennials And Gen Z The Loneliest Generations?
This was from an article on Diamond in a Haystack, for more like this click here.
