An Extra Blink
I’ve been thinking recently about the concept of pausing before responding.
A recent article I read in Better Homes and Gardens discusses compassion, and while it didn’t directly talk about pausing before responding, the actions it suggests that parents take require that the parent first pause to really assess the situation before responding. An online version of the article discusses some of the points, but both versions emphasize having a discussion. This isn’t the parent talking AT the child; this is the parent and child honestly talking about issues.
Pamela Druckerman discusses “The Pause” in French parenting specific to helping kids learn to sleep through the night.
This idea of pausing, considering, and then responding is just good practice even outside of being a parent, but perhaps it’s especially good to be aware of it because of how much harm an off-the-cuff response can do to a developing person. Kids don’t understand sarcasm, if that’s the initial response, and if we make a mistake in how we respond (wrong information, aggressively, etc.), how many adults are likely to go back later and apologize or admit to that mistake? Pausing before responding helps prevent such errors.
To help my own interactions, I’ve taken to trying to get in at least one full blink before responding. It doesn’t take very long, but it helps me reign back from an instinctive response and consider the situation a bit better.
A child says something offensive, antagonistic, or just confusing? Blink. Then a response.
That split-second pause can make the response more positive, keeping interactions from escalating to a fight, perhaps, or it can make your response more compassionate or understanding. Why did the child say that? Maybe a question behind motives is better than something like, “Stop that!”
By trying to consider the situation from the child’s perspective, you might realize something and be better able to respond. Kids are not little adults, after all. They do not have the wealth of experience and knowledge that we as adults do. (I keep hoping that I’ll reach that stage of adulthood where I know everything. Maybe tomorrow.) Hopefully at some future point, kids will be able to know everything and behave perfectly in every situation. Until then, they look to you for calm, gentle guidance, compassion, and reasoning.
Taking an extra blink helped me have a more balanced, calm response even when my daughter was a few weeks old and I couldn’t figure out why she was crying. Pause. Mentally step back to assess why she might be crying. Proceed more calmly.
My daughter was making a minor fuss yesterday while someone was in the next room making a phone call. My hands were busy with other things, so I looked at my daughter and said in a firm tone, the same tone I’ll use later for correction or serious attention, “Gwen, I need you to stop fussing because someone is trying to make a phone call.” She stopped fussing for a moment and just looked at me. Yes, at just shy of five months, she didn’t know exactly what I was saying, but she understood the tone of voice. That break in her fussing then let me distract her by singing The Itsy Bitsy Spider. If only that would continue to work through her teens.
I hope that creating a habit of pausing and taking that extra blink before responding will save energy and frustration over time and hopefully create a more calm, happy home. I’ll try to post on the progress or setbacks.
Sources and Further Reading:
Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting
by Pamela Druckerman. Penguin Group. 2012.
Codrington, Rebecca. “A Family Therapist’s Look Into Interpersonal Neurobiology And The Adolescent Brain: An Interview With Dr Daniel Siegel.” Australian & New Zealand Journal Of Family Therapy 31.3 (2010): 285–299. Academic Search Complete. Web. 2 July 2014.
Lombardo, Elizabeth. “Compassion.” Better Homes and Gardens. February 2014. p. 130.
The print version of the Better Homes and Gardens article also suggests several books and movies to encourage compassion or the discussion of it, if you’re interested:
- How to Train Your Dragon
- Mr. Popper’s Penguins
- To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
- My Brother Charlie by Holly Robinson Peete
