Creating the Best Support Network and Family

Reflecting on times in my past when I needed help and who actually formed my support network and stood by my side, I’ve realized that there were patterns in who vanished and who tried to give me the help I needed. The best people who supported me and formed my new ‘family’ of loved ones were other broken dolls with imperfect pasts, especially childhoods. These people with imperfect life experiences formed the strongest support network and family I could have asked for, better than the people I was related to by blood.

Lessons I learned

1. People you are related to by blood may help you. Or, they could turn on and throw you to the dogs. I had the latter outcome occur when I was in college and desperately needed the support of my family.
   Lesson: Forget about blood. Family is what you make.
2. Marrying into a new family can be great. For a while. But if you get divorced, those people will side with the person they’re related to by blood, leaving you alone. It won’t matter that you had a great relationship with a mother-in-law; she may support her son regardless of the lies that come out of his mouth.
   Lesson: Not being at fault for the rift won’t stop you from being isolated anyway by in-laws.
3. The “strange” people I hung out with in college helped me through some dark times, just listening, supporting, and cheering me. These individuals had experienced negativity in their own childhoods and knew what it was to be in pain. They helped me find the sunlight again and get myself back on a healthy path.
   Lesson: Friends are valuable and can help regardless of age and immaturity. In some ways, immaturity can yield wisdom and just plain joy.
4. When I started my divorce, the people who listened to me most and cheered me on were again the broken dolls who had experienced pain, loss, and lots of self-doubt. They understand the importance of just checking in on a regular basis to say hi even if nothing important is discussed. Being remembered bolsters one’s self-esteem incredibly.
   Lesson: Find others who have known pain, even if it wasn’t the same kind you’re going through now.

1. The people who said that they would support me but didn’t, who even stopped talking to me and being friends, were often so absorbed by themselves that helping me didn’t even cross their minds. They hadn’t experienced the same brokenness in the same way. Or, maybe their personalities were so different that they couldn’t understand my needs, even if I had told them explicitly that just talking to me was important. The people most likely to be in this group included: boys raised by doting mothers who’d never abandoned them or given them cause to doubt their own greatness; bosses who assumed that having a good career was enough that issues in my personal life wouldn’t affect me at work; and friends who meant well but didn’t realize that it wasn’t enough to say ‘let me know if you need anything’ once and never check back in.
   Lesson: Narcissists and certain personality types aren’t going to get it.

Pain yields empathy and understanding

Why have these people been so good at helping me when I needed it? They’ve experienced the kind of damage that gave them humanity. They may have broken, but in healing, they were stronger. I hear about their pasts and their experiences, and I am in awe and regain my own strength. There are incredible people around us.

Family is created, not born

Being related by blood does not make you family. I tell my daughter this often. I want her to understand why I think it’s important for her to join me when I videochat with friends. These friends are her family, too. Her godparents are great people, and I consider them family, better family than the blood family and family I married into have treated me so far. One must create family, whether with friends, children (blood relations, adoption, fostering, even mentoring), etc. Sometimes we get lucky and have great people we’re related to. I’m jealous if that’s you, so count yourself lucky. Who we choose as our family, though, affects our happiness and ultimately our support network in profound ways. We need support networks. We will fall, cry, and need someone to hold us, even if it’s just a virtual hug conveyed in a phone call.

Next time a friend is going through a rough time…

If you’re looking to help someone you know, just have a conversation with the person. You don’t have to ask me about the bad stuff going on in my life. I may not even want to talk about it. But, having a positive interaction with another adult is a powerful, healing thing that may help me get through the day, a day in which I may be fighting with the ex, compiling documentation for an attorney, and generally just stressing out. Talk with me. Really. I like physical hugs as well as the warmth that just your friendship gives me.