Letting Them Suffer Isn’t Easy but Encourages Growth
This week I’m focusing on having patience and stepping back so that others can solve their own problems. I am not a terribly patient person sometimes, so this has been a really difficult task in ways.
I’ve been watching a friend go through a sort of identify crisis. He’s very good at his job, but he’s reached the point in his professional and personal life that he needs to make some decisions about how to go forward and decide what he wants maybe not forever but his next direction. That’s a very individual journey that he has to make in his head and heart. I want to get into the fray, argue, play devil’s advocate, and help him. But, I can’t, and it is frustrating to have to sit on the sideline and want to dash in. I want so badly to help, but the best way for me to help right now is for me to keep some distance after having let him know that I’m here, waiting a bit less than patiently perhaps, but here when he needs me.
I have to hide my impatience to help my daughter a lot more often in smaller ways, too.
My daughter doesn’t go through periods of needful suffering in episodes as long as my friend is dealing with, but she still needs to work her way through her own issues sometimes. After I picked her up from daycare one day this week, she tried to buckle herself into her car seat. I don’t consider myself a patient person in a lot of ways, and watching a toddler try to buckle herself in without accepting any of my offered help made me practice patience. I am trying to appreciate the lesson in patience rather than rail against it.
I even tried to negotiate helping her. “Just let me do this one thing to help!” (I tried to change the angle of the buckle to help her.) “No!”
My standing back lets my daughter learn things for herself. She has to go through a mental battle as well as the physical battle with the buckle. If she doesn’t get to try, she never gets to learn. The more practice she has struggling and failing, the easier it will be for her to accept failure as a part of the learning process, too.
The process of struggling has scientific evidence for being beneficial to learning. It is better for students “to experience the discomfort of struggle first, and the triumph of understanding second” (Paul, 2014).
When she was tired of trying to buckle herself in and being unsuccessful, my daughter let me do it. I was so happy to buckle her in. I was also happy that she had worked hard on a task that was difficult for her. I verbally told her how proud I was of her hard work, of her trying to take on a difficult task like that, and also then not being afraid to ask for my help when she felt that she needed it.
In that same trip home, I stopped to run an errand, and when we got back in the car afterwards, my daughter tried to buckle herself in again. She was a lot better on this second try, and she was more patient with herself as well. My being patient with my daughter helps her learn to care for herself, it helps me by preventing me from becoming relied upon to do everything for her, and we both learn a bit of patience, about working together, and that accepting help is not a weakness but a sign of strength when exercises appropriately.
How lovely to see that something exasperating (waiting) was rewarded (happier, more self-sufficient child) to quickly. Not all lessons, especially in patience, have such quickly visible rewards! Now if only I could figure out the fix for my non-toddler friend…
Continue the Conversation
with Kids’ Books Focusing on Patience
Bobbie Dazzler by Margaret Wild
“Bobbie can hop and skip and bounce, but she can’t do the splits. “Never mind,” say her friends. But Bobbie does mind — a lot! A joyful Australian story that will have readers of all ages hopping, skipping, and smiling.”
Max by Bob Graham
“As the son of legendary superheroes Captain Lightning and Madam Thunderbolt, Max too is destined to one day join their ranks. Once he learns to fly, that is. But despite his parents’ valiant coaching, and encouragement from grandparents and friends, Max can’t seem to get off the ground. Will he ever learn to leap tall buildings in a single bound? Or will Max be doomed forever to life on land?”
The Adventures of Beekle, the Unimaginary Friend by Dan Santot.
“This magical story begins on an island far away where an imaginary friend is born. He patiently waits his turn to be chosen by a real child, but when he is overlooked time and again, he sets off on an incredible journey to the bustling city, where he finally meets his perfect match and-at long last-is given his special name: Beekle.”
The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind by William Kamkwamba
“When a terrible drought struck William Kamkwamba’s tiny village in Malawi, his family lost all of the season’s crops, leaving them with nothing to eat and nothing to sell. William began to explore science books in his village library, looking for a solution. There, he came up with the idea that would change his family’s life forever: he could build a windmill. Made out of scrap metal and old bicycle parts, William’s windmill brought electricity to his home and helped his family pump the water they needed to farm the land.”
References and Further Reading
Moffatt, Jim. “Helping People Learn by Letting Them Fail is Essential.” 18 November 2015 http://www.forbes.com/sites/forbesleadershipforum/2015/11/18/helping-people-learn-by-letting-them-fail-is-essential/#349412ca7c42
Paul, Anne Murphy. “When, and How, to Let Learners Struggle.” 24 February 2014. http://anniemurphypaul.com/2014/02/when-and-how-to-let-learners-struggle/ http://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/2014/02/25/bigger-gains-for-students-who-dont-have-help-solving-problems-struggle-to-learn/
