Teaching Consent to Young Children

What does expressing consent look like for a young child, say a two-year old, who wants to play with three-year olds at the playground? They can say “yes” and “no,” but they cannot name their feelings or describe what happens if one of the older children pushes them.

This question of how young children express consent (and set boundaries) is on my mommy mind lately. One reason is because my sister and her colleague are bringing the #MeToo movement to their community in Pennsylvania. Another was reading the NYT piece about domestic abuse survivor and advocate Lorena Gallo (neé Bobbitt). I know teaching BB consent is important and urgent. She is a girl, and I’m a survivor. One in three women in the United States experience sexual violence in their lifetime. Writing about this, likely you reading this, and doing something about it — is NOT comfortable.

Yet, let’s be honest. Our children learn about consent from us the moment they are born. How we hold them, change their diapers, nurse them, dress them, and as they become toddlers — how we respect their boundaries— all show our little ones how to value and treat their bodies. Do we touch our children in a way that reflects their bodies are sacred? When they are toddlers, do we change how we treat them, giving them more agency over their bodies?

For answers, I looked to sexual health educators’ advice. In a NYT interview, Debra Herbenick, a sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, relayed that children entering pre-school can start learning consent by being taught to keep their hands to themselves. Herbenick cautions that this is half of the equation. The other half is parents’ and caregivers’ response to children’s boundaries. Melissa Pintor Carnagey of Sex Positive Families and Amanda Cooper of Let’s Talk About Sex Ed, collectively recommend that when someone in a family sets a boundary, the other members respect it. Herbenick offers an example of this — when a child is being tickled and she tells her parent or caregiver “No,” even if the child is laughing when she says it, Herbenick says to stop touching the child immediately.

Carnagey and Cooper also recommend discussing feelings that might come up when hearing a “no”. Naming these feelings can support your little ones to develop their emotional intelligence.

There is more advice out there, parents. This is a start. We’ve been practicing these experts advise. BB is taking to it, keeping her hands to her side and enjoying having mommy stop caressing her hair when she tells me “no”. Now mommy’s feelings at all the “no’s”. . . well, that’s a different matter. A matter that is my, not BB’s responsibility.

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What is your experience with teaching your toddler or child about consent? You can share here in the comments, and on FB. Your experience can offer us parents different approaches to teaching our little ones this important skill.

With gratitude,

Cecilia