Things I’ve Said As A Parent

(Part One)

No, you can’t put that worm in your nerf gun.

Stop riding your bike over the oranges!

You don’t need to wear your backpack in the shower, and you’re not reading in there either so you can stop packing it with books.

Put down the cat, she doesn’t want a ‘ride’ in the oven.

Where are…oh, you’re on the bookshelf.

Stop dragging that rock along the side of the car.

AND that rock.

No, the worm is not ‘ammination’, the worm is terrified.

We’re running late, let’s g…why have you taken your clothes off?

No, you cannot have cheese on your cereal.

Why are you licking the tap?

Yes, you can have a ride on my back, but we’re not going to ‘chase all the slow people’ in the mall.

She said ‘fitch bunt’, and we’ll be turning Niki Minaj off.

Why are you putting macaroni up your brother’s nose?

You do not ‘neeeeeeeeed’ cheese on your icecream.

I have no idea what a fitch bunt is, let’s just move on. No, you will not ask your teacher, she won’t know either.

Why are you putting toothpaste on your toes?

Yes, wrinkles on old people are weird, but let’s stop telling them that.

Put the cat down, she’s not ammination either.

How did you even get Niki Minaj on?