Quick pin? or Never quit?

Telling better post-match stories

I got to watch one of my old wrestlers yesterday (I’ll call him Tyson). He’s a little dude, learning the sport and having fun. I bumped into his dad early in the morning, and he was quick to tell me Tyson would be wrestling the kid he lost to last year in the state finals. Dad was already nervous. Tyson got worked last year so it was going to be a tough match.

But with 17 seconds left in the third period, Tyson was up 10–0! He was working this dude, controlling the match and outpacing his opponent. His coach encouraged him to keep working. So after locking up a cradle, Tyson went for the nearfall, sitting his opponent back. And then the lock slipped and Tyson was on his back. A moment later the ref slaps the mat and the oncoming adrenaline of defeating the state champ was gone, and a new low began setting in.

Hey dad/mom…tag, You’re it!

Let’s be honest, these moments suck! Your son or daughter has put in so much work and effort to get to this moment. You feel like they deserve the win. You may even feel like you deserve it. It’s not just the work and effort it took to get to the finals that day, or the three grueling periods of work it took to go up 10–0. It’s the countless hours of practice and focus to overcome the past loss(es). You see your child working and grinding. Up 10–0 with 17 seconds left and you feel like the rewards is coming!

And then it’s gone!

Guess what? At this moment you’re on. Your student-athlete has been working and performing for the past however long but now it’s your turn to perform. They’re looking to you. How will you perform? How will you parent? Will you get pissed? Will you get mad your child? The coaches? The ref?

How you choose to channel your emotions and interpret the outcome of this match will dramatically shape the type of wrestler and (more importantly) person your child will become.

Quick pin & bad coaching?

There were numerous ways to interpret the outcome of this match. Many suggested the ref called the pin too quickly and some suggested the coach should have told Tyson to relax and “stall” instead of “keep working.”

Was it a quick pin? Maybe. Should the coaches have been less aggressive in the close of the period? Probably. But telling these stories does nothing for your student-athlete.

We tell these stories to protect the psyche of the child and parents. But it does not change the outcome and it doesn’t teach your kid anything good. Instead, it teaches them to blame others when things don’t go their way and this robs them wrestling’s greatest life lessons.

And, if can be honest, in this moment, you’re failing. This type of parenting performance gives children permission to blame teachers when they get bad grades and it tells them to blame bosses or coworkers when projects fail — later in life.

Better stories

Want to win at parenting your young wrestler? In these moments, speak truth and tell better stories. For starters, tell them you’re sorry. Let them know it sucks and you understand their frustration. Then give them a moment or 10 to cool off. Once they have control of their emotions (and you have control of yours) you can speak life into this difficult outcome.

When I got a chance to speak with Tyson I told him how impressed I was with his improvement. I affirmed that moments like these suck but they can be great motivators and teachers. I told him to remember this match. I explained how this moment is a great lesson to never quit, never give up. Whether you’re up or down by 14, the match is never over. If I were still in the room with him, on Monday or Tuesday, we would go over the cradle to make sure he did everything in his power to make sure the lock didn’t slip next time.

Telling this type of story subconsciously teaches Tyson that no matter where he is in life, to stay focused and keep his head up. Sometimes the most dreary situations in life take a quick turn for the better while at other times great situations can turn for the worse. If we keep our composure and parent well, in either situation, we will have prepared our kids to persevere and move forward.

As for the uncontrollable’s, the possible poor coaching or “bad” officiating, they’re just that — out of our control. And we never get anywhere complaining about things out of our control.

P.S.

I’ve been there and done this. Just like our kids, sometimes we win at parenting and sometimes we lose. When I fail, I try to swallow my pride, apologize and explain how I should have responded. In this case, as Tyson’s father, I would explain how I failed him when I blamed the ref and the coach while also letting him know how impressed I was with his performance. And then I would go on to tell the better story. The story of never quitting.