Involuntary Storm
The undefined ache in my tummy that is neither from me eating too much nor not at all but due to my habit of holding my breath for long stretches of time as a way of willing things to be different, although my always reasonable and over the borderline annoying inner voice keeps pointing out that reality is real and I cannot make it otherwise, sucking air or not; the perpetual tightness in my jaw especially on the right side because for whatever reason I bite down harder there, though it is not as if the left side could not crush a walnut or the spirit of a small child and maybe already has; the pain in my shoulders and neck from hunching over to make myself smaller and less noticeable so I do not become a subject, or even worse a target, in the situation as the one thing I am most afraid of in the world — and truth be told there is a lot of scary stuff out there — is to call so much attention to myself that I, of all people, will have to acknowledge my lack of control because uncontrol is bad and weak, and this is where my inner voice looks up from her book and recites as she has done many times before that the need for control is also bad and weak to which the nail marks in the palm of my hands are a testament; all these physical representations of distress showed up this year because my subconscious is stupid and does not know the difference of who I was at fifteen and who I am now, but maybe that is not so stupid at all because may be there is no difference; I still am in a dire situation that is none of my own doing; I still crave being cared for but am more than skeptic that anyone is up for the job because I have never experienced it live and so the egg is trying to lay a chicken; I am still unable to stay out of other people’s trouble despite all authorities on the subject claiming it would be much better if I just stuck to my own trouble; if I had any sense at all — besides that of blind loyalty and Greek boulder-size responsibility — I would see that I am clinging on to the storm instead of the raft and I have done what I could in terms of forecasting this weather system (but then again there is no trick to predicting torrential rain when the roof is already off the house) and now all that is left is finding a way to for me to make it through.
