What Makes You Not Fit In?

Find your superpower in your differences.

Photo by Ayo Ogunseinde on Unsplash

I remember sitting with two friends who had been engrossed in a conversation about someone they didn’t like. They had got back at the guy they didn’t like by not paying the total price he’d charged and had been laughing their heads off about it for far too long. They ripped him off is what they did, no two ways about it.

Anyway, I’d only met the person they were running down once, and he seemed like a good guy. Their reasons for disliking him did not add up to their disdain. So what if he charges too much for second-hand items? So what if they were helping him with some work around his home, and they felt their compensation wasn’t enough compared to what he had? What he had, not what they did!

“If you don’t value your time, neither will others. Stop giving away your time and talents — Start charging for it.” — Kim Garst.

They were complaining that they’d put so much work into helping him, and expected more for it, knew he had more and wanted more. He was a family friend too; they were helping a friend, something many people would do for free. Why did they expect so much?

One thing was for sure; this guy had a lot more than they did and all I got from their behaviour was jealousy. They were jealous he had so much, and they had so little.

Photo by Alexis Brown on Unsplash

Nonetheless, I sat there for over an hour hearing all about what a greedy so-and-so he was and how funny it was that they secretly didn’t do a great job in his home, a home that was left to him by his grandmother, who had passed.

I wasn’t a person in the conversation. I was just the third wheel to support them and satisfy their need to denigrate some guy I didn’t know.

I would smile and add the odd, “Oh wow”, but deep down, I was giving the stranger a mental high five and a mental hug when their words cut too deep. When I tried to ask further questions to gauge the real problem or point out that I disagreed with what was said, I was put in my place or laughed at for my naivety. I did not fit in.

Suffice to say; I am no longer friends with those two people. One is the father of my two youngest children, who now have protection and parenting orders against him, a long story mainly covered in the following two stories.

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The other friend is one who I haven’t seen in a couple of years, and though she might still pop in when our mutual friend returns from overseas for a catch-up, we don’t click like we once did. Almost four years ago now, I phoned her when I was not coping well with the stress of family court along with a one-year-old and a premature baby.

I was having a moment, a near breakdown, or whatever you call it when you’ve been through narcissistic abuse, and you need to phone a friend. The phone call was a disaster, she made all sorts of excuses for the abuse, and I realised that she was not the kind of friend I needed. Supporting someone who has been through abuse, particularly where children are involved, takes a set of skills that can only come from experience.

The two people I’ve been discussing are the type of people who are always helping out others, constantly meeting new people by offering their “services”. They’re also the kind of people who later complain they did so much for so-and-so and got nothing but misery for it.

These two people would often tell me about their feelings of emptiness or of not knowing what they’re doing with their lives. We’ve all been there. But for these two, it’s a part of who they are; they find moments of meaning in helping others and further meaning in hurting the same people.

What I learned from not fitting in with these two people.

1. Feeling bad about watching or hearing people harm another person is a good thing. Feeling bad about harming others should be obvious, but some people feel good about hurting others. When the narcissist and his family had to face the consequences during family court, I felt terrible for them despite their lies and outright cruelty. I felt relieved that my family and I would be safe, but I still felt a sense of sadness for them. I never let that sadness prevent me from protecting my children.
2. Watch out for strangers who are always “helping others” and complaining about it, especially if they’re letting themselves and their own families fall apart in the process. These types of people are either still learning balance, as in my friend's case (I hope), or straight out using people for something, be it attention, things, money, or accolades, as in the narcissist's case.
3. Don’t help others if you expect something for it, do it for love. If it is not out of love, charge them and be honest about it. I’ve been a mother for as long as I can remember, so my children have always come first. I’ve given money, things, time, and energy to people, but I’m glad to say I’ve not expected anything back for it. I’ve learned to give what I have available and nothing more.
4. Change must be purposeful. You can change your job, friends, homes, and even your mindset, but it's not real change if it is not purposeful. If you don’t know why you're making changes, then you’ll only come out with the same problems you were trying to fix in the first place.
5. Not fitting in with the wrong people is a good thing. I felt uncomfortable about the kind of people I was hanging out with, and I wanted to stand up for the guy, but I didn’t know him. All I knew was that I didn’t fit in and didn’t want to.
6. Stand up even if it means being put down. Don’t be afraid to stand up for what is wrong. If you get attacked for doing the right thing in the short term, you will feel better for having done it in the long term.

“Hindsight, usually looked down upon, is probably as valuable as foresight, since it does include a few facts.” — Grace Paley.

Had I not been through that situation and felt the way I did, I might not have picked up on my little superpower. It’s not a big thing, and I’m sure most people wouldn’t have felt good putting up with that kind of behaviour. In saying that, social workers told me that I didn’t pick up on my children's father's manipulation and emotional abuse because I couldn’t imagine doing it myself. When I did pick it up, I still expected change.

This example is only one small and most likely apparent time when not fitting in with some people is good. There’s also the fact I live in New Zealand but have no understanding of rugby or rugby league; I don’t even know the difference.

It hasn’t stopped me from throwing ‘black-out parties’, not what they sound like; it’s a party for watching the All Blacks play. I love dressing in black and watching my friends get excited about the game I know nothing about.

So, when have you felt out of place or that you didn’t fit in? Have you ever felt something was wrong with a situation and done something about it? Or wished you did something about it? I think in the end that not fitting in is good. We don’t want to go about spending time with people or on things that arent’ benefitting us in the long run.

Best of luck to all those who don’t fit in; good on you.❤