Faux Post: Indian steel companies worship Superman to battle falling prices

Indian steel companies today performed an enormous puja to none other than Superman, the Man of Steel. Present in the ceremony were Naveen Jindal (upon whose insistence Superman’s cape was replaced with a fluttering Tricolour) and Ravi Uppal, representing JSPL, T.V.Narendran, MD of Tata Steel, Ravi Ruia, Chariman of Essar Steel, Sajjan Jindal, Chairman of JSW Steel and Narendra Singh Tomar, the Minister of Steel for India. This puja was conducted, with all the essential rituals, to ward off the evil effect of Chinese steel export into India, which has saturated the domestic market, lowering demand and dropping prices faster than calls by Indian telcos.

Said a representative of Tata Steel Limited, “Our company, like many others, has petitioned the government to institute safeguard duties on steel imports to protect the domestic production. However, with matters where they stand today, I think we need divine intervention more than government policy directives.”

Plans were initially made to offer puja to Lord Vishwakarma, but that idea had to be dropped, on multiple grounds. Firstly, as someone pointed out, Vishwakarma was the lord of manufacturing as such, and since the IIP has been rising slowly for a change, and Make In India efforts are in full sway, the Lord may not be in a mood to grant too many boons. One TSL employee empathised, “Bohot kaam ho jayega becharake ke liye (Too much work for the poor chap)”.

The second and the most pressing reason, however, was the puja of a Hindu god. No sooner had the announcement of the Puja been made than liberals pounced on India Inc. with tweets like “Indian companies come under religious sway #HinduCapitalism”. Hashtags like #ModiMenace #MakeSteelSecular and #SaffronSteel trended on Twitter. Sagarki Ghose quickly penned an article criticizing the puja and appeared on Headlines Today asking fierce questions like, “Why did our industry leaders not go to a mosque? Islam has had more associations with steel than Hinduism ever had.” An open Internet war started raging between ‘Internet Hindus’ and ‘Libtards’ who called for each other’s heads and made memes of Narendra Modi and Arvind Kajriwal in Real Steel armours. Meanwhile, the New York Times ran an article titled, “Communal Atmosphere Stifles Steel Demand”. Home media was also not far, with Firstpost running an article titled,”Regressive step towards protectionism, India Inc. lacks stomach for a fight”.

Rahul Gandhi announced he would go to China to support the wronged Chinese steel companies, but receiving widespread flak, he revised his statement and said he would undertake a padyatra to understand how the dropping steel prices were affecting Dalits. AAP leader and CM of Delhi Arvind Kejriwal pointed out that this recent spate of cheap Chinese imports started during the CWG and called for a CBI enquiry in this. Ashutosh of AAP said, “Why is the Chinese steel coming into the India sho eejily? Will the Modi answer? What about our phoren policy? What is the Shooshma Shoraj doing? She must resign.”

Worshiping Superman, also known as the Man of Steel, avoided such problems. Leading secular intellectuals observed that Superman was never shown to be a devout Christian, and what with his steel bending abilities, stood as an indirect champion of steel quality, thereby making him a potent symbol to counter Chinese imports.

Subramanian Swamy was intially flustered with Vishwakarma being omitted in favour of Superman but later appeared on television to declare that he had evidence to prove that Superman had Hindu ancestors. He also said Superman’s habits-calm, composed and his stand on justice- revealed he was not a Kshatriya, like Batman, but probably a Brahmin. He then said, “By the power vested in me, I hereby declare Superman to be a Brahmin.” VHP has expressed considerable disappointment over the ‘slight’ of Lord Vishwakarma, and frenzied supporters have threatened to burn theaters that will screen ‘Dawn of Justice’ next Summer.

Puja done, now the Indian steel companies, confident of a turnaround, wait for events to pan out in the next few months.

Meanwhile, Disney has dismissed this to be a poor publicity gimmick for ‘Dawn of Justice’.In an isolated incident, DC is contemplating filing a copyright infringement suit against the Indian steelmakers.