dead knot

stolen glances, a crossed out name,

wishing fervently time and time again,

for the muscle-ache of my heart to go away.

/

a feeling is rising within me,

like the acrid aftertaste in my mouth,

after swallowing a stubborn pill that just wouldn’t go down.

/

it is like taking a long walk along the beach,

so entranced,

revelling in the beauty of the azure blue yonder,

and accidentally stepping on a seashell that cuts the sole of my feet.

i bleed.

/

my mother once told me that life is like a rope,

when you meet a complicated dead knot,

one that you know you can’t untie,

you must not hesitate to cut it off.

well,

you must be my dead knot.

because my shaky fingers tremble,

every time I even attempt to cut you off.

i realise i cannot.

/

it is the lingering thought,

always fresh in my mind,

it presses down,

heavy on my heart,

words jumbled and heart racing,

i cannot think.

/

i say things, and want to take them back,

i say things, things that make me regret.

i say things, and smile when my heart is breaking,

i say things, that I totally do not mean.

i say things that I know you want to hear.

/

i feel like I’m playing a claw machine.

you are the only prize,

i’ve fixated my gaze upon,

yet,

the one that I can never quite seem to have.

the pain of seeing something so close,

yet so far,

and the sweet delusion,

that I could make the glass in between us disappear.

/

i want to break the glass,

take it for my own.

but I know I am selfish,

i know it’s not meant to be.

/

i’ll go,

don’t you worry.

the moment I step away,

i know someone else would snatch up the opportunity,

to stand before the claw machine.

as I once did.

/

but that’s alright,

if you’re happy,

i’m happy for you too.

you’ll always remain the most beautiful memory of my youth.

for your beauty shines even from a distance,

so i’ll look and not touch,

the thorns on the rose,

so beautiful yet so untouchable.