The difference between flattery and praise
Improve your leadership dramatically by learning how to effectively compliment people around you.
When “best practices” backfire
A few months ago, I grew frustrated with one of my team members’ performance. Before giving him feedback, I started our next meeting with positive comments about his work. He immediately interrupted and said “cut the crap, just tell me what I did wrong”. Usually unwavering, I lost my temper and it made the whole process even more painful.
A few days later I reflected on this episode. I learnt in consulting groups that introductory compliments make feedback more palatable. Except that I had mistaken flattery for genuine praise. I came up with cheap, generic comments about his work: “you’ve been doing a good job on that”. People are not stupid and have a bullshit detector. They know when you are using flattery to manipulate them.
But I am not the only one to struggle. This is, I believe, the most misused management technique in companies. Many people apply it, yet lack of recognition is one of the top reasons for failing leadership.
Flattery is effortless
Freud stated that every single human action is motivated by a sex urge or a desire to be great. We all crave recognition, probably for this second reason. That is why genuine praise has a tremendous effect on people’s happiness and motivation at work. In order to create a high performance team, we need to learn how to genuinely praise people. So, how do we do it? First, we need to understand the difference with flattery.
Flattery is shallow, effortless, generic. If you want a simple method to identify flattery, ask yourself the following. Is this compliment applicable to anyone else in my team? If the answer is yes, it’s most likely flattery.
Praise requires an effort to actually appreciate someone else’s work, and what’s unique about their way to do it. If you are struggling with it, try this method: to slip under their skin and identify the challenges and difficulties you would have faced if you had to do it yourself. In short, learning how to praise means being less self-centred.
Everyone is worth a praise
While sharing this idea with top executives, one of them told me: “Yes but I cannot see anything good in Bob’s work”. This remark made me really angry. Emerson, famous poet and philosopher said:
“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”
If such a great man was noticing that, it is even more relevant for you and me. There is definitely something remarkable you can notice in anyone’s work.
Let’s make a thought experiment and admit that what he said was true. Everyone has strengths, it’s just part of human nature. If there is nothing to praise in Bob’s job, it’s probably because there is a complete mismatch between his skills and the position. And Bob is not responsible for the hiring process, you are. Therefore, it’s first and foremost your mistake and you’re the only one to blame. You cannot come up with a praise? It’s time to take your responsibilities and find a better position for Bob.
Call to action!
So, next time your team delivers something, take time to appreciate it. Slip into their skin and think about the difficulties they had to go through, the challenges they had to face, and what they did well or just better than last time. Share with them your sincere appreciation. Say it loud. Soon you will realise the incredible effect on their motivation.
Sources and inspirations:
Autobiography, Benjamin Franklin
How to win friends and influence people, Dale Canergie (great book, if you haven’t read it yet, you should do it)
Psychology today “Lack of Employee Recognition is a Management Epidemic”
