Thank you, next.
I stayed with someone for 8 years because I thought I couldn’t do better.
I think this is my first time really sharing that statement…almost 8 years to the day after we broke up.
I won’t go into extreme details about the story of pre-2011 Sioban because it’s not necessary for the message, and those who know, know. All the bad things he was I found out about who he was came out after we broke up, but I knew way before that we weren’t supposed to be together. Did I love him? Yes. I can say this now because I asked myself that a few time over these last 8 years. Seeing if I was delusional or imagined my feelings. But no. There was a time I couldn’t imagine that the person I woke up to wasn’t the person I’d call my husband, the father to my children, and my soulmate. He gave me butterflies (or that was the beginning of a stress ulcer developing but that’s neither here nor there now). I was 100% in love with this man. However, I’ve been in love with a few men that don’t deserve the permanency they have in my story.
Anywho. Back to the original statement. I stayed because I thought I couldn’t do better. I have been 5’9 since I was 11. I used to get called the Jolly Green Giant by my friends (my family is West Indian so I didn’t consider this bullying because insults are our love language). I was always chubby, and doofy, and just happy to be there. My step dad and grandpa raised me so I always been like one of the boys. I always had a lot of friends and was never considered an outcast. I was always the homie. All my friends were getting attention from boys and had boyfriends, and I have always been the one talking about basketball and cracking jokes with them when we chilled. I never felt a way about it until him…. He made me feel beautiful in a way I never knew I needed. He made me feel feminine. He made me feel sexy. He made me feel… He loved and cared and supported for me in a way I never imagined, and when he tatted my initials and our anniversary on his wrist, that pretty much was a marriage license to me.
But there was always something off. Parts of his life that didn’t add up. Things he kept hidden from me because he was “insecure” about them. Things I’d never bring up to my friends because they’d judge him *coughmecough* and wonder why I didn’t confront him (the answer: cause avoidance is a hell of a drug). I felt uneasy, but why question it? This man was in love with me. No one had ever thought I was this beautiful before.. I still wasn’t getting attention like that but I didn’t need or want it. I had him. If i left, I’d be back to square one. Single, feeling unattractive (cause I know I’m pretty but being attractive is where shit was murky for me), and giving up steady raw sex (don’t act fake… this is a safe space). Marriage and a family were the ultimate goal for me and I was pretty much there. Why would I shake shit up?
Let me give you the cliff notes version. He cheated. I found out. We broke up for 10 months and he tried his hardest to get back. We did, but like Drake said, nothing was the same. Insecurity came rushing in. I searched his phone. Found things. Ignored them. I paid OUR bills on a 36k a year salary and I’m not sure how (don’t ever question the magic of black women). The support in all forms was gone. He proposed. Found more things in his phone, one of which was what I believe was a women texting him to come to the hospital cause her friend was in labor with the birth of his twins. Got the courage to confront him. He tried to leave the argument. I blocked his exit. He choked me (and not in the goo… never mind). And as I lay there being choked, on the bed we talked about our future children’s names (thank you to ortho tricyclen for holding a bitch down), my grandmother on the other side of the door, none the wiser to what was going on, I didn’t think “Omg he is going to kill me” “Fuck this nigga” or “How am I going to hide the marks?”….
I thought “Damn, I’m probably gonna have to leave him soon”.
This passive ass answer. The lack of emotion. The lack of definitiveness, even if it was temporary, is the thing that is the most traumatic about that experience to me.Eventually, I met a man (by chance) who also made me feel beautiful. The attraction I felt for him was strong. We didn’t date while I was with my ex, but he indirectly gave me the confidence to leave. To realize that I don’t have to settle because I am scared. God used him as a vessel.Spoiler alert, we ain’t work.
It’s so easy to stay in a routine. A comfort zone. To stay in a place that FEELS like home but only because we were to lazy or scared to move. People, places, and things aren’t always permanent. When I moved (like physically, not metaphorically), I had so many condiments that expired that I never used up because I wanted to make them last as long as I could. This little stupid thing made me realize in a huge way that I keep thing longer than I should because I value making them last instead of enjoying them while I can. I was mad at myself for not seeing the lesson sooner (and that my damn Cafe Du Monde beignet mix never got used).
Leaving my ex fiance changed my life. I became myself. I honestly can’t even remember much of that relationship or who I was during those years because I wasn’t me. Now, when I am with someone, it is out of want or love, not fear. I am still nowhere near a relationship but I learned so much about myself. Including the fact that I am still the person who stays longer than my soul wants. I do a lot of things out of obligation versus motivation. I am loyal to a fault. However, I am making steps to change that. Leaving TED… Leaving NY…
And now leaving Deliberate Epiphanies. I love writing but I started to not love writing for this blog. I wasn’t even attached to the name. But people felt attached. People asked me about it regularly. People felt moved by it. I wanted to connect with people via my writing, and I already had this so “Why would I shake shit up?” (see what I did there?). But my own project wasn’t inspiring me, and I don’t want to bring that energy into 2019.Thank you to everyone who took this journey with me. Y’all were my inspiration to keep going and are my motivation to realize that there I can do more than a few posts on here when I remembered to write. I love y’all and I promise this isn’t an ending, but a beautiful beginning.(Feel like there should be another “Thank you, next” reference but I don’t want to force it).
Xoxo,
Sio
Originally published at www.deliberateepiphany.com on January 1, 2019.
