You know you need to create to be a creative…. right?

(Spoiler alert — I forgot) Most of you know what I do for work, and our big work conference happened in April, and I really haven’t recovered from it. Sometimes I think I am on the autism spectrum because one disruption to my routine and I am no good. NONE. I then trained for the BK half marathon and took more trips than I was supposed to (or technically could afford), and have just genuinely been out of wack….

But also, I haven’t felt inspired. I didn’t have the usual motivation. And if I didn’t have it, how was I supposed to sit here and write to you all? I would always rather be absent than inauthentic. And yes, I know the Zig Ziglar quote, (its in the “about this blog” section of the website for God’s sake). I tried to force feed myself inspiration and nothing hit. I reread the fave books, and some additional ones, I worked out, I prayed (more like begged God to give me some sort of spark). And though the trips were amazing, I hoped they would clear my head for space, but they actually just made things worse. I wouldn’t call it depression, but literally just a stagnant rut. I was ready to give up and just accept that being a “creative” really wasn’t my thing and be happy with my 9 to 5.

Then it hit me. I wasn’t actually creating.

I have a handicap… Perfection. Not saying I achieve it but if it doesn’t at least SEEM perfect to me, I am discouraged and usually dismiss the idea. But a few days of not writing emails and updating this blog because I wasn’t inspired, turned into weeks, that turned into months. Then I realized, it wasn’t just emails. I wasn’t writing at all except for work or to talk shit with my friends. I tried to even journal because I remembered one time doing a birth chart reading with mysticxlisptick and she said to me “Write. Writing is your sanity. It’s what saves your life.” But I still wan’t moved. I tried everything to force my motivation to get these emails out to you. What else could I do? So, I hit my homegirl, who is an amazing writer, to ask her advice. And she said something that slapped me in my face. “You are one of my favorite writers. I don’t know if I have ever told you that, but you are.”

I didn’t start this site for me. I love helping people. It’s a gift and a curse but it literally is what moves me. As much as I try to do things for me, genuinely being able to empower people makes me happy. I started small, engaging my twitter more and not just retweeting and talking to my friends. I wrote when I had an idea. I didn’t wait for the whole story came to me, or was in the perfect setting to write. I just jotted little by little in my ever note. And even then, I still was thinking about abandoning Deliberate Epiphanies, cause I still wasn’t sure. Then God sent a little little nudge (as She has done a few times) via a text from Tracy G. “Love you babygirl. Have you been updating Deliberate Epiphany?” I became this person, who I love, because I stopped being scared of fucking up. So I all that to say… We back OKURRRRRRR.

Originally published at www.deliberateepiphany.com on August 21, 2018.