Waiting for DOMA
Personal anecdotes highlight the injustice of DOMA
In the next few weeks, the Supreme Court will rule on the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act, a 1996 law originally signed by Bill Clinton which denies federal recognition to legally married gay couples.
Other than the symbolism of “recognition”, why is this a big deal?
A few days ago I got back from Europe with my husband. Once we entered the gigantic immigration control hall at JFK, we split up, like we always do. He went to the Global Entry line (a neat little trick which you should look into if you travel often), and I went to the “visitor” line.
I won’t get into how annoying it is to wait in a line that is roughly 500 people deep. I also won’t get into the ridiculousness of being categorized a “visitor” in country where I have lived all 13 years of my adult live - first as a student and then as an H1B worker.What really bothers me each time we go through this is the psychological torture of being split from the person I committed to spend the rest of my live with — with the knowledge that we are one moody immigration officer away from being separated permanently.
Soon after we got married, I would even take down my wedding ring so as not to invite any unwanted attention — what if the officer probed and decided that I shouldn’t be allowed in the country on a “temporary visa” if it is clearly my intent to stay? (I had since decided that I can’t let myself be humiliated this way and now wear my ring proudly — let them ask questions if they want.)
Mind you, me and my husband are lucky: I have a legal status in the US independent of him (thanks to my job). Many couples end up having to either leave the country to stay together, split up, or stay here and live in the fear of deportation. Those people are the real martyrs. But still, ever since we got married I get this question almost daily: why can’t your husband sponsor you for a green card?
During the health plan selection season, the office manager at work inquired if I would like to include my husband on my health policy. I had to thank her and politely decline because doing so would mean having to pay taxes on his benefits. The office manager was shocked - it did not seem right to her and she promised to follow up with our insurance broker. A few days later, an email from her confirmed what I already knew.
After we got married, we did what many couples do: talk to a lawyer about wills, powers of attorney and healthcare proxys. These are the unromantic practical things anyone getting into a permanent relationship should think about. It was particularly important for us because many states don’t recognize our marriage and, should a tragedy occur, we could be denied hospital visitation rights. On this occasion we were also told that none of the inheritance tax benefits apply to us.
I hope you see a pattern here. And so we wait — for a ruling we hope will mean we’re not “gay married” but simply “married”. 14 days and 2 hours to go.
