Bloody difficult women
This past summer Theresa May was called a ‘bloody difficult woman’ by Ken Clarke, also a member of the Conservative Party. He said it while off air, waiting to be interviewed. Why would the former Chancellor say that? What was the point? He simply didn’t agree with her. So that statement got said, and riled everyone up, but has it created any change, besides giving us a soundbite? Most women I have asked said ‘no’, rather emphatically.
Trump has currently made women crazy (not just American ones), but underneath that, there is a whole world of judgement and topics that go against women. The pay gap. What can happen to a woman’s career if she gets pregnant. The theory that woman are more emotional (probably true, but women score higher on EQ, so it only makes sense), or aren’t banging their fists on tables and being passionate enough. It is exhausting. As a woman I feel like I have to be 100% better — even if I am more qualified — when it comes to everything from business pitches to job interviews to work output, just to be seen as an equal. For some reason, women can’t seem to shake off this mantle of either being quiet, lovely and compliant, or if you are driven and want to deliver things, being see as bloody difficult, a bitch, or the many other phrases that get used about women.
I’m currently chasing a company for an expense invoice. They asked me to drive to them, I did — even though there was a snow and ice storm going on. They asked me to jump through a good amount of circles. They asked me to write documents. To do Skype calls while on holiday. And I was happy to do it all, I love the hustle and bustle of work. Yet, I’ve submitted my expenses in early January, as agreed, and I am *still* chasing to get the expenses invoice paid. Would someone treat a man like this? I think not. I bet the follow up email about the invoice I sent earlier, which was incredibly polite, but points out that they have said before that they would pay it, that a NED apologised for it not being done because the company was busy, and where I now pointed out they are just taking advantage, will be seen as me being ‘difficult’.
It isn’t just me. There was a fantastic interview I had read with Linda Celestino, vice president of guest services for Ethiad Airways, in Fortune magazine. Linda made this lovely, concise comment that really sums it up well.
“Many female leaders face mixed messages on a daily basis. Say “yes,” but toughen up. Say “no,” but be sensitive. Be powerful enough to be heard, but likeable enough to be followed. Leadership is not gender-specific in my view, but feminine qualities like communication and a sense of inclusiveness combined with assertiveness can engage people. In reality, these are universal characteristics of any strong leader.”
Brilliant points — you have to not only do your job, but have a running commentary in your head about the ‘right’ way to express something, which men don’t. They don’t get that extra burden. As Linda goes on to say:
“Female leaders’ ability to soften the blow of a “no” with thoughtfulness or a commitment to the relationship moving forward does not mean women are any less effective as leaders. The irony remains, however. Women in leadership roles who say no tend to be perceived as cold or ruthless, while men are referred to as strong and capable.”
I want to be judged on my merits. Of what I do, what I deliver, and the results. I am strong and capable. I also want to be considered to have great leadership qualities; which I think I have done. Over the years I’ve changed roles, and I’ve had many different members of my team from former employees follow me to new roles; some as many as four times. So my leadership — at least to a certain group, is seemingly fine. Yes, we can all learn and get better, which I why I have spent the last few years actively looking for feedback, and from different levels and different areas of my life. We all should evolve; at least I want to keep evolving!
Sheryl Sandberg tells us to ‘lean in’ (I’ve been leaning for almost 20 years, still pushing hard). We have the 30% club in the UK to try and get more parity on boards and in the C-suite; not by quotas, but by trying to teach and have companies understand that you can judge data the same, but men and women have both the same, and also different strengths, and that they are complimentary. Boards and the C-suite can gain from realising this, and embracing diversity. (I feel an urge to draw a Venn diagram on overlapping men and women’s qualities, but I have a lot to do today, so please just imagine it.)
It isn’t just me who gets a bit frustrated at the perception and reality of women in business. Padmasree Warrior, CEO for Niosocial USA— who has been in the tech industry for almost 30 years, and worked for companies like Cisco, had someone from a large, well known private equity house say this to her — the Chief Strategy Officer at Cisco who inked the large partnership deal they got with Apple:
Chang told Warrior about a recent interview Chang did with Michael Moritz, chairman of the all-male partner VC firm Sequoia. (Sequoia is an investor in NextEV.) Morris said he’d like to hire more women but that Sequoia “wasn’t going to lower its standards.”
Warrior said that such a statement “bothers” her.
And she explained, “We have to be careful that we don’t think that women have to do more in order to be recognized.”
This is the 21st century. I wouldn’t think we’d all have to still fight so hard to get equal pay, or be seen to be twice as good to get the job that might go to a man, or have a Pew Research survey show that women get stronger ratings than men against a host of personal attributes. Yet, the research also bore the following out, which makes no sense against the backdrop of what the research found:
According to Pew, the problem is that women still have to do more than men to prove themselves. This finding suggests a troubling assumption — that we still don’t expect women to be able to do what men can do. We allow that it’s possible, but our baseline expectations are that men are more capable. This puts women in the position of having to go above and beyond the standards to which men are held in order to demonstrate their competence.
Speaking of Sheryl Sandberg (note the paucity of women that have a high enough profile that they are quotable. Not many, Sheryl Sandberg is almost the go-to, Melissa Meyer, or Eileen Burbidge (and even this link says she got to where she is by ‘going against convention’. Irritating. Would that be said about a man?), even Ms Sandberg noted the issue:
As Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant pointed out in a recent (ish) New York Times op-ed, when male executives speak up, they receive 10% higher competence ratings; when female executives do the same, their ratings from their peers are 14% lower. Similarly, when male employees offer ideas, they receive higher performance evaluations; when women offer the same ideas, managers’ perceptions of their performance remain unchanged.
I don’t have the answers. And you can tell, right now, I don’t have the words — I don’t think I’ve ever quoted so many people in any article I’ve penned. This isn’t something that just happens to a few women, it happens to ALL women. I’ve started and sold two companies successfully. I am starting a third. I mentor startups — one of the people is an employee who worked with me last over 7 years ago, but called me when she knew she needed a mentor. My undergraduate degree was cum laude, my MSc was summa cum laude (first ever in that programme) AND I was the first student they ever invited back to teach in the programme, and I become an Adjunct Professor. I’ve held senior roles in complex global matrix organisations. I’ve also driven growth, or nailed strategy for companies of varying sizes, and in various areas. I started up the European offices for a brand recently sold for over $3 billion to QVC. I’ve been a columnist, presented more times than I can count on a host of topics, and am frequently used for consulting work. I help private investors and family trusts to do due diligence work before they invest. I’m both embarrassed to have to state the above (feels like bragging), and proud of the above, which is just a small sliver of what I have done.
Yet, I still feel like I have not done enough. I feel I am judged by different criteria.
I still feel like I have to allow 5 seconds to pass and for my mind to do a quick check before I open my mouth to ensure I use ‘ok’ words for women, so I don’t get tagged as being less competent, or bloody difficult, or a bitch.
Sorry, but yet another quote, again from the Op-Ed:
“Research shows that everyone does better when women share the reins of power. Ms Sandberg and Mr Grant hammer this in: “Start-ups led by women are more likely to succeed; innovative firms with more women in top management are more profitable; and companies with more gender diversity have more revenue, customers, market share and profits.”
I could go on and cite examples from the Nordics, where they have diversity in much greater numbers, and show the changes that has reaped for companies. I could just GO ON. As a highly skilled and experienced professional, I’ve been through a lot, and heard a lot.
We need to realise that men and women are different, but not to always laud men, and give less credit (or see it as a negative) when women behave the same as men. If you are a man, do you want your daughter to feel she has to be better than her brother just to get equality in pay, or perception, or a specific job? Of course not. It is always easier when looking at a single person than a group of people. And when you are invested in that person.
I’ve done a great deal of my work in retail, where the customer is usually female, or much more predominant in how often they spend, their loyalty, and other KPIs, yet all these retail companies that make their money off women are mostly headed up by men. And if those men are competent, great. Yet, sometimes it feels like women get short shrift when it comes to getting a chance for that same role. Or I get put on a panel so there is a female voice. Or interview for roles as the token woman, upon finding out the others on the short list are all men.
So, if knowing what you are doing, treating people well, speaking up when things need to be pointed out, nurturing talent, and creating growth or delivering on whatever goal the business has gets me cast as difficult, well, fine. Call me a bloody difficult woman. If that is the criteria, I am proud to be one.
Problem is, that criteria isn’t applied equally. Plus, we try to make jokes (although the following from Sarah Cooper is great, if you do NOTHING ELSE, click on the link in the headline below) to make us seem less, well, whatever it is. Can you imagine an article — serious or joking, to have the same title if applied to men?
9 Non-Threatening Leadership Strategies for Women
Before Sarah puts her clever cartoons in, I think she does a fantastic job of summing up the problem wittily, so I’ll give the last words to her:
In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they’re not perceived as pushy, aggressive or competent. One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the (sometimes) fragile male ego.
Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much? IS IT? Sorry I didn’t mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are 9 non-threatening leadership strategies for women.
PS-If we are Brexit-ing, I am glad we have a bloody difficult woman in charge!
Kristine is Anglo-American, a Brooklynite by birth, living in Britain, with Irish sass from my dad. Wants: wine, whisky, lots of sleep. Ecommerce / digital / tech geek. Sports mad, especially for Serena Williams and Lewis Hamilton. Wants to be in Cornwall, and listen to the sea. She is not bloody difficult, but is highly competent, and valuable.
