Dear Dan

This is Your Love Seat

Dear Dan,

I couldn’t do this in person, it hurts too much. We have had a lot of great moments, and I wouldn’t trade my time as your loveseat for anything in the world. However, our relationship has left something to be desired for quite some time and I feel that our love has fizzled out.

We used to spend so much time together. Remember the Superbowl that you jumped on me so hard when the ‘49ers scored that my cushions never fully came back into shape or the hours upon hours you spent on me during all those March Maddnesses?

I guess it really all boils down to you never sitting on me anymore. I’m a LOVESEAT Dan, I need things, like your tight little fanny firmly planted in my cushions, or you uncomfortably sleeping on me after having one to many drinks. All my nights are spent cold and lonely now. All you do is come in from work—late no less—and head back for your office. Apparently that wooden kitchen chair in there is more comfty than my luxious cushions.

This all started when you tragically didn’t think of me and got rid of cable. Now you watch all your TV, Sports, and Movies on your computer in the office. What am I supposed to do? I need contact Dan, I need your love, I need your fanny.

I want you to know, I’m moving in with the Greenes. They know how to treat a loveseat. Thanks for the good times Dan, I’ll never forget them. I hope you can forgive me for leaving like this.

Yours Always,

Loveseat

P.S. I’ll follow your @danhillida Twitter account to keep tabs on you, unless it hurts too much.