Murder in the White House
Totally not-made-up odds of who will end the Trump Presidency
The year is 2018 (I’m optimistic, sue me), and Donald Trump has left the White House in Mike Pence’s very white hands. Ever since he fired FBI Director James Comey, rumors and whispers swirled around a premature eject-ulation from the Capital. The only question left to answer, really, was who put the knife through the President’s Pith.
1. Mitch “Tortoise with a Purpose” McConnell
Odds: 10–1
In the… Damp, mossy cave
With the… Deadly Dry Senate Procedural Rules
The shelled senator waited a long time to get a President he could work with. Now that he has one, he’s left with a plate of unpopular health care bills and another major confirmation hearing (instead of his usual plate of iceberg lettuce). He’s one of the most skilled political operatives in modern history, and he’s not happy.
So he ended the Trump presidency.
You don’t wait through political (and possibly literal) geologic timescales to see a real chance at power succumb to the temper of a 2 year old. Not when true-blooded Republican Mike Pence is sitting behind the throne. If and when the House is in danger of dripping blue, it might be politically expedient to drop Drumpf. Mitch may have been silent up to this point, but everyone knows the story of the Tortoise and the Hare. Speaking of…
2. Paul “Pre-Pubescent Jack Rabbit” Ryan
Odds: 30–1
In the… Paul Ryan Basement “Fuck Shack”
With the… Poisoned Keg of Miller High Life
Jilted allies make for motivated murderers. Paul Ryan was so torn up over his on-again, off-again relationship with the Tangerine Twat that he finally snapped. Like that kid at school who brushes off bullying until he shows up with his uncle’s assault rifle, Ryan turned from acquiescent lapdog to murderous hound in an instant.
Emboldened by his Health Care “success” and a skittish Republican House, Paul Ryan used a floundering Trump and his Tea Party heritage in an attempt to hijack the Republican Party towards his lab-tested image. The plan: keep up the “politics of opposition” that benefitted him so much during the Obama-era by opposing every president, regardless of the party. Career suicide? Maybe. But don’t forget that Ryan never wanted this job in the first place.
He’d totally rather be smashing brews with da boys, laughing about stripping poor people of basic human rights. Go for it, brah!
3. Mike Pence
Odds: 5–1
In the… Oval Orifice
With the… His rock-hard ivory head
Mike Pence doesn’t even want to become President. But all of those handsome men want him to be President, and he’s allowed to be with them when his wife isn’t around. Desperate for the approval of his dreamy, unattainable crushes, Pence goes full “Taxi-Driver for Jody Foster.”
Finally freed from the self-imposed sexual repression he’d inflicted on himself and others (Mike Pence did not enjoy summer camp), the erstwhile VP is finally happy. The nation immortalizes his sacrifice in a startlingly realistic soap bust.
4. Melania & Barron Trump
Odds: 35–1
In the… Leather-themed dungeon you don’t want to know about
With the… Steely blue gaze of death
Trump only allowed Melania to birth Barron “on the condition that Melania would get her body back.” The imprisoned First Lady finally took it. Sensing that she’d soon go the way of his other flings — a unceremonious divorce followed by what I can only assume is life in a gold-platted nunnery — Melania finally stepped up and unleashed a sordid, sticky, and best-selling memoir of her days married to the man who regularly shouted “Ivanka” during coitus.
That said, she never would have done it if not for the terrifyingly adult suggestions of Barron Von Trump, who took a break from bicycling around Trump Towers and terrifying the cleaning staff to play the Lady McBeth to Melania’s First Lady.
5. Hillary “Hill-Dawg” Clinton
Odds: Number of Articles about Hillary’s Emails — 1
In the… Back seat of a secret service limo
With the… Most sensible and professional weapon polling can find
The real question about how Hillary took down Trump isn’t her motivation — duh — but how she somehow avoided fucking it up despite with her overwhelming advantage in experience, funding, support, and insider connections.
Though the country was grateful for Hillary’s efforts, Chelsea Clinton still lost her first political race by 36-points, conceding the election to a particularly engaging plastic bag found in a Wal-Mart parking lot.
6. Bill Nye & Neil DeGrasse Tyson
Odds: π — 1
In the… Super Secret BestFriends Laboratory
With the… Charm and wit befitting two paragons of scientific outreach
After politely acknowledging their service to humanity, the two team up again for an 8-part series delving into “How We Did It.” Substitute middle school science teachers put the series on from now until the end of time in order to avoid real work.
7. The Parasitic Brain Worm Previously Lodged in Steve Bannon
Odds: 2–1
In the… Mushy Recess of Trump’s Frontal Lobe
With the… Acidic Mandibles
LONG LIVE XORBAX, LEADER OF EARTHLINGS, LOVER OF BRAINS AND TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS!
8. James Comey & The Deep State
Odds: [[REDACTED]]
In the… [[REDACTED]]
With the… [[REDACTED]]
I’m not even touching this one. Though this could be the name of a killer underground DC funk band. Just sayin’.
(Don’t forget that the famous “Deep Throat,” who leaked Watergate to the press, was a high-ranking FBI official).
9. You
Odds: ? — ?
In the… The only place Trump feels truly comfortable — Twitter
With the… Power of Anonymous
That’s right, you. The person who, in a fit of frantic Googling at the library (who am I kidding — you used DuckDuckG0), tried to see if anyone was onto your trail. If they knew about the dossier in your briefcase that would expose and end this horrific charade we call a Commander in Chief. And so you, in a panic, clicked on this clearly satirical article to see if we were onto you. You breathed a sigh of relief. But the guy in the cookbook section has looked at you twice (or was it thrice?!) and you’d been there too long already, so you Googled some weird porn and left it on the screen to make it not suspicious that you looked suspicious and then high-tailed it out of that god-forsaken book barn to the off-grid shack you live in near one of the Portlands, ready to hack again.
God bless you. Now hurry up already.
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