Andrew Puzder Withdraws from Secretary of Labor Consideration in Quest to Become Android
WASHINGTON — President Trump’s nominee for Secretary of Labor, CEO of Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr. Andrew Puzder, announced on Twitter earlier Wednesday that he was withdrawing from consideration in order to fulfill his destiny to become an android bent on eradicating the human race.
“I know I could have served the American people well by being Secretary of Labor,” Puzder said as his speech started breaking up while his eyes fluttered rapidly, “but, but — this has been a person goal of mine for a long time.”
Puzder came under fire during his hearings when the Senate asked him about his plans for world domination. “Oh you better believe it,” Puzder said eagerly.
“After that I’m going to continue experimenting on myself to become an Android and enslave other alien races,” Puzder blurted out to the shock of the Senators in the room. “Right now, I’ve kinda got the Will Smith I-Robot thing going on. But a few more tweaks and I should have my whole upper torso complete.”
Democratic Senators applauded the rescinded nomination because of Puzder’s stances on minimum wage, automating the workforce, and his mandate to establish a New Intergalactic Order as an Authoritarian Android.
“It’s a victory for millions,” Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) said to reporters while the left side of his face simultaneously lowered.
Puzder wished the President best of luck in an expanded statement. He also added that President should refrain from plunging the nation into a deep, dark depression for a few more years so he can work out the kinks on his new Robot Destruction Task Force.
Jarrett Weber is a humor writer from Michigan. This is first post so be gentle, cruel internet.