First Amendment Gives Stunning, Surprise Press Conference

WASHINGTON D.C., — For the first time in centuries, the First Amendment called a press conference to address the Trump administration’s press staff blocking CNN, The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, Politico, and Buzzfeed from attending an off camera gaggle earlier today. On a glowing stage, the First Amendment gave a riveting address to the nation. The transcript from the press conference is below.

[17:05:00] FIRST AMENDMENT, UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION: And good afternoon, I know it’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these. Let’s see if I still remember how.

[Soft laughter around the room — the First Amendment’s still got it]

Time and time again, the Trump administration has continually attempted to delegitimize the press. This is a frankly an abuse of the constitution and more specifically, me. Just as Trump has said that he likes to “grab ’em by the pussy,” now he also enjoys kicking me in the balls, daily and for hours at a time. The least that the administration could do is take me out to dinner before they screw me.

We must not let this become normal. This is surely a sign of how dictators rise. We have seen this repeatedly throughout history and must continue to support our press and hold the administration accountable. Everyone must have the right to freedom of speech — even President Trump and his “never-gonna-say-anything-smart” word vomit.

The only way to ensure that we have a successful and prosperous society is maintain freedom of the press. Republicans should grab their nuts out of Trump’s purse and push back on this idea. Also, investigating his ties to Russia, getting his tax returns, and not moving your party even further away from its core values would be a start.

Also, on an unrelated note, is it just me or does Sean Spicer always look like he’s shitting his pants? Seriously? Is that why the gaggle was off camera? We need answers!


Jarrett Weber is a humor writer from Michigan. Hit the green heart if this made you laugh!