Sunday Satire
A Day In The Life Of Globalist Chuck
A peek into how a typical liberal elitist spends the day…
C̶u̶c̶k̶ Chuck (Rawpixel.com)According to numerous Republican voters, coastal and urban Americans are almost an entirely different species, one woefully incapable of ever understanding what Real Americans™ want. In their eyes, it’s both proper and very wise for the Electoral College to water down their votes, despite the minor detail of them being nearly two thirds of the nation’s population as well as its economic capacity.
Having lived in the Midwest for many years, I understand that sentiment. We live in cultures so different, it can feel like we inhabit different nations. But to show that we’re not really as alien to each other as it might seem at first glance, I thought I’d try to share the typical daily schedule of an urban coastal elitist we should logically call a Fake American. I think you’ll find it rather humdrum and much like those of your Real American™ friends…
7:00 am: Wake up, brush teeth, shower.
7:15 am: Breakfast while reviewing the Communist Manifesto.
7:45 am: Leave for work, driving on pothole-filled, congested roads falling into disrepair. On the way, listen to NPR’s three-part-series about something called “coal mining” in an interior region of the continent known as “West Virginia,” or something like that.
8:30 am: Arrive at the office. Grab coffee and spend the first 15 minutes of the workday in the official company safe space to recover from the program during the drive and get those images of “miners” out of my head to better concentrate on screwing around with computers all day.
10:00 am: Company update meeting. We evaluate how close we are to our quarterly goal of jobs to automate and outsource, asking for input on how to compose the most soul-crushing announcements for managers delivering the blow.
11:00 am: Have politically correct conversation by the water cooler.
12:30 pm: Lunch. Eat kale, beet, and quinoa salads with sushi. Pretend we actually like it and can spell these words if our lives depended on it.
2:30 pm: Get e-mail confirmation of fraudulently obtained welfare deposit. At the end of the month, we pull them together to donate to dark money groups supporting the typical liberal causes like advancing Sharia law, banning gun ownership, and wrecking the institution of marriage through brainwashing in the media.
3:45 pm: Get massage from the company masseuse paid by some of our welfare slush money. Chit chat about the day’s weather turns into serious brainstorming session on how to keep the global warming hoax going.
5:45 pm: Management forwards instructions from George Soros to make sure we’re on task for the quarter.
6:00 pm: Leave for home. Finalize plans for the evening with friends while stuck in traffic.
7:30 pm: Arrive home. Pray to idol of Darwin over a Satanic pentagram, as is custom. The blood offering is, of course, organic and fair trade.
9:00 pm: Late dinner and drinks, followed by an orgy at the local swinger’s club.
12:00 am: Bedtime.
12:45 am: Slip into REM sleep and dream about open borders and a flood of illegal immigrants.
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