By Way Of Apology

I’m embarrassed by my insanity
inner turmoil that precludes any thoughts of vanity,
The obsessive repetition in my head
Staccato reverberation of the words
I wanna be dead, I wanna be dead, I wanna be dead,
So I wrap my feet, arms, and head
In a blanket of melancholy
Duck my head underwater
And backstroke into a sea of folly,
Knee deep in profound fear
I hide under a mask of apathy
Knife at my wrist
Smile on my face
I tell dreams of what-will-be,
Desperate for woman love
I pine, I dine, and
Behave obsequiously, 
Dismissed as weak
I hurl insults and wave
As my flag, old Misogyny,
I dig up grave after grave 
Seeking the place I buried my hope
While praying for a sleep
More certain than any 
Born at the end of a klansman’s rope,
For those I love, I breathe,
I feign bravado
A coward, a loner
Sans the romanticism
Of a dark plains desperado,
I’m absorbed by my entanglement
I’m unwilling to flee
Awaiting deistic invitation
To a pity party for little martyred me,
I pile up the emptiness, inadequacies and despair
That I call a bed
Starving for sleep, hungry for answers
But my demons;
They’re damn well fed.