Chapter 13
Finally, Going a “Little” Deeper in My Journaling
June 2, 1991, Sunday, 1:40 PM
Hello again. Sorry I’ve been away so long. So much to do and so little time. The other day I was sitting on the couch looking at the clock. I sat there and watched several seconds tick by and then several minutes, thinking about time. What a concept, and why do we have to be so ruled by it?
June 3, 1991, Monday, 1:15 PM
Happy 14 month birthday, Taylor! What a boy you are! Mommy and Daddy love you so much!
This is such a wonderful age. Taylor is discovering so many things. He likes to get into everything. I try to let him, too, as long as it’s nothing that could hurt him, which makes it tough when those are the things he wants to get into. I don’t want to stifle his curiosity and excitement, so I try to just let him go, with only a few necessary rules and boundaries.
He loves playing in the cupboards and strewing things all about. The other day I put a whole bag of pinto beans in a basin and let him sift and throw them. He wasn’t quite sure of them! He loves to help me with my makeup magic tricks in the morning. Sometimes he hides my makeup under the couch and I have to search for it. I had to buy new mascara the other day as I couldn’t find mine anywhere. The one “no-no” he hates is the tv. I shouldn’t have ever let him by it when he was younger. He has now learned how to turn it on and off and change the controls. He loves doing it and looking at me while I’m saying “no-no.” He gets this wicked little grin (Debi grin?) and keeps on. He is walking now, assisted by his little red ride-on. And he cruises all around the house, as long as he is holding onto something. I tell you, my heart almost bursts when I watch him sometimes.
May 20th was our second anniversary, and I was kind of bummed all day. I didn’t even buy Bruce a gift, and we didn’t do anything special. Our excuse was lack of money, but that’s pretty pathetic.
I haven’t been feeling very close to Bruce the past couple of weeks. No one reason. I think we get set in our little routine, and it just gets to me at times. And so much of our time is spent focusing on Taylor, as it should be. But we do need to make the time we do have alone be more valuable.
The thing I get sick of is the damn tv. Sorry. But it just upsets me. There is so much more we could be doing with ourselves and our time. We have become too dependent on it for our entertainment and relaxation. This must change. And will change.
On Tuesday, May 21, I worked on the newsletter all day, and then Bruce was off on Wednesday so I went into Oly to finish the newsletter while he stayed home with Taylor. I enjoy it when I go into town by myself from time to time. It reminds me of what I am besides a wife and mother and makes me proud of myself for what I can do, and for my accomplishments, and for how I turned my life around for the better.
I really was on the wrong track there for a couple of years. But if I hadn’t been, I might never have eventually met Bruce, who was so instrumental in getting me back on the right track. Life is so funny, how one thing leads to another and another and another. I did some things I’m certainly not proud of and wish I could say I’d never done. But had I not, then I wonder if I would be where I am today, and I like where I am today. As my “mentor” Leo Buscaglia says, I need to forgive myself, and accept myself.
I forgive you, Debi Leanne, and I accept you. I think I just spelled my name wrong though, so maybe that means, in a Freudian sort of way, that I can’t forgive myself fully, yet.
Yellow sticky note on this page, dated 3/9/02, and it reads: Finally, she reaches a little deeper! The past few weeks I’ve been trying to narrow down on something I could do as a business. I’d really like to do something with herbs. Mine are growing so well and it’s so fulfilling. I even came up with a name the other day while planting my parsley. The lyrics “parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme” went through my mind and I had it: Scarborough Fair. Perfect!
I’ve also thought it would be fun to have a place, like at the ocean or someplace special, where people could get married. And today I thought maybe I could make canvas bags for grocery shopping and sell them to stores. So many ideas. I wonder what I’ll end up doing?
Taylor should be up anytime. Feels good to have caught this journal up a bit. I’ve been a little bit more open this time. I always worry, when I write, who might be reading it someday, so I always kind of skim over things and don’t always write my feelings. But that’s not very honest journal writing, so I’m going to try and change that. Hopefully, whoever reads this in the future won't be as bored from now on!
