It’s hard doing all this scientific work because as I listen to music, all I want to do…all my body is telling me…all my heart is telling me to do…is to create. To be creative. To draw, write, dance, feel.
But not about science. Just about me. Going deeper. An attempt to heal. Or to process maybe. A constant reminder that my problems are right there, no matter how far I try to push it while doing research. The problems remain.
I just can’t wait until I’m in a space or have a job where there is no conflict between those two. Where my job allows me to create in the ways I want to. Write the material I want to. Or at least feel like what I’m creating counts for work and for my personal growth/healing/process.
Guess that’s the dream. To live each day that way. Double dipping. Work and life. Is that what they try to tell/teach us when they talk about work-life balance? A job that allows you to do the life things. A job that allows you to get deeper into your purpose. Your mission. You flaws. Your strengths. A challenge in the best way?
I want it.
But sometimes, I feel too scattered. Spread too thin. Too “well-rounded” or a jack of all trades. Where I can do a lot of things and like to learn more about random things. So how will I create a job for myself that ties those things together? That allows me to be at home when I want to be (mostly)? That allows me to cry and create and use my feelings and life lessons in a way that can help others? That allows me to have a method, a logical/rational reasoning behind it all?
I want it, but I don’t think I want to wait for it. But going for it seems impossible right now.
Even after a month of creating. Of just art. No work/dissertation work. It didn’t seem like enough. A sign that maybe the arts is where I need to spend more time in and the science needs to be a smaller portion of that. I’ll jot that down for future reference. A job that’s not 50/50 Art/Science. But one that’s maybe 60/40 or 70/30. Can’t wait to feel secure or stable in my job/work/passion. Alignment.
Alignment. Funny how that’s hammered. Dancers & alignment. Balance. Focus.
I’m. gonna stop here cause wtf is life. This isn’t really helping anymore.
