Went to Kroger and bought myself ice cream because I cried too much today. And my husband encouraged me to buy ice cream lol. It was my motivation to leave the house.
Sometimes I don’t leave my room because I know my roommate will be in the living room. So I’ll only come out when I know she’s sleeping or working. But its weird cause I like my roommate and its not like she’ll talk to me if I pass by to the kitchen. But somehow, I just don’t want to even see people. Its weird. So I’ll be locked in my room all day and come out at night…aka after 2 am cause she sleeps late too.
My husband and I had a deep conversation because I always feel like I’m disappointing people. Like I seem irresponsible and unreliable. And that’s the worst feeling. Like my whole life I’ve tried to make sure that I don’t come across as those things, but I can’t help but realize that that’s who I am these past couple years. And a lot of it has to do with being around people who don’t understand depression and anxiety and how debilitating it is for me a lot of the times. Things like getting mad because I don’t tell them ahead of time that I’m gonna be missing something. And I’m like, its not like I wake up and say “today I’m gonna miss ____ ”. I don’t know ahead of time that I’m gonna miss stuff. And sometimes I sleep through things so how am I supposed to let them know ahead of time?
But its like a toxic environment for me. Like this is FAR from easy for me. Like honestly too hard for me. And I am surrounded by ______ people. I have no friends…its been 3 years and I legit only have ONE friend; the rest are co-workers/colleagues. I have a stupid ass ____ who is toxic.
I’m sad all the time. I’m tired of trying to be strong all the time. I just want to not have to be strong and for it to be okay. Like I’m so tired of all of it. I constantly ask myself if I will ever get through this with the outcome I want.
I’m just exhausted man. And I’m only half way through. And my mental health is SHIT and my biggest downfall/weakness/deterrent. And I’ve tried sooo many combinations of medicines + therapy. Like 3 yrs of different combos and still not being ‘stable’.
I am just feeling all the feels. Like I need to make a change … a serious one but idk what that is.
